Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Tall Green Riding Squirrel, how could you bring in all those other Riding Squirrels?!

Linus: Yeah, who are they, anyway?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: But they’re my friends! They’ll side with me over the Little Red Riding Squirrel.

Malex: That doesn’t answer the question. Who are they?!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: We’re Little Red Riding Squirrel, Tall Green Riding Squirrel, Sad Orange Riding Squirrel, Sick Brown Riding Squirrel, Fat Purple Riding Squirrel, Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel, Round Blue Riding Squirrel, Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel, and Scary Grey Riding Squirrel! Together, we make up the Nine Riding Squirrels!

Snufflefungus: (Excited.) Ooh! Are you super heroes?!

Linus: Sounds more like a motorcycle gang.

Malex: Or something more sinister…

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: You’re all right! Little Red Riding Squirrel’s been our leader for as long as any of us can remember, but the rest of us haven’t been happy with him lately.

Malex: I can’t imagine why…

Snufflefungus: Malex? Do we have to keep hiding down here?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: This latest outburst will be the last straw I need to turn the rest of them against Little Red Riding Squirrel and secure power within the group for myself!

Linus: So wait, this whole incident was an elaborately staged coup?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: You have such a way with words! Maybe we should be best friends…

Snufflefungus: Malex? Can we go upstairs?

Malex: Why, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Well, I just remembered, I was making Food Pie upstairs.

Linus: Food Pie?

Malex: I know my interest is piqued.

Snufflefungus: The recipe is a family secret. I’m not at liberty to divulge it.

Linus: What are the ingredients?

Snufflefungus: (Very excited.) Almost all of them!

Malex: Snufflefungus, I don’t mean to be obtuse, but might be an important point.

Snufflefungus: Yes, Malex?

Malex: Snufflefungus, haven’t we been hiding down here in the basement for days?

Snufflefungus: Yes, Malex.

Malex: Snufflefungus, has your Food Pie been cooking that whole time?

Snufflefungus: Well, no. Not really. Actually, it was on the stove the day before we went into hiding.

Malex: Ah–

Snufflefungus: And it’s been burning the whole time!

Linus: Wonderful. We’ll have to buy all new pots and pans.

Malex: We’ll have to go up there and turn it off, otherwise it’ll catch fire.

Linus: Don’t do it, Malex! It’s not safe!

Malex: There’s no good reason to believe that… Really, we’re just stereotyping at this point.

Linus: Oh? So the occasional thumps, screams, and cascades of smelly water through the floorboards aren’t enough warning for you?

Malex: We’ve had bad experiences with Little Red Riding Squirrel, but that doesn’t mean all Riding Squirrels are bad…

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Actually, they all are pretty bad.

Linus: See! I told you!

Malex: It’s not like I have a choice here! If we don’t go up there, Snuffy’s Food Pie might burn the whole house down!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Good luck!

Linus: What do you mean, “Good luck?!”

Malex: Yeah, squirrelly, you’re coming with us. You’re the one who wanted control of this group, so exercise it!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: No! You can’t make me!

Malex: You’ll help us… Otherwise we’ll hand you over to Snuffy. Snuffy’ll know what to do with you.

Snufflefungus: (Feigns badness.) Yeah… (Still trying to sound tough.) I’ll give you a hug. A telekinetic hug. And then… (Gives up tough-guy act.) We’ll play toy soldiers again! It’ll be so much fun!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Uh, okay…

Malex: Alright, here we go…

Linus: Just make a beeline for the kitchen.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Whatever you do, don’t look right or left! Just run straight for the kitchen!

~~ Malex opens door slowly. Everyone is in such a hurry to run toward the kitchen that they all tumble into a heap.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Ow!

Malex: (Getting up, dusting off.) Golly, that was just ridiculous. So where’s this Food Pie mess?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: That was the most scrumptious Food Pie I ever tasted.

Linus: Wasn’t it burnt to a crisp?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I didn’t notice.

Malex: Where’s my good pot?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: Sorry, I smelled food. I don’t know what came over me.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: (Nervous) You– You should behave yourself in a guest’s house.

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: But I have been behaving myself. For example, you know how you had a ham in your chest freezer?

Malex: Had?

Fat Purple Riding Squirrel: I waited until yesterday to eat it. I’ve shown remarkable restraint.

Linus: Restraint must mean something new.

Snufflefungus: Malex, can we go hide again?

Sick Brown Riding Squirrel: (Wheezes and coughs.) Hey, um, I left my medicine back at the hideout.

Snufflefungus: (Uncomfortable.) Oh. Uh, that’s unfortunate. And, you’re Sick Brown Riding Squirrel, right? So you need your medicine.

Sick Brown Riding Squirrel: Yeah, yeah. You have any?

Snufflefungus: (Very uncomfortable.) I don’t think so. What kind of medicine do you need?

Sick Brown Riding Squirrel: It doesn’t matter! Whatever you’ve got!

Linus: Terrifying!

Malex: Get out of here, Sick Brown Riding Squirrel!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: We’ve tried everything. He just has problems.

Sad Orange Riding Squirrel: Sick Brown Riding Squirrel has problems and he gets all kinds of attention. But what about me? Do I get the attention I need for my problems? No.

Malex: Aw, Sad Orange Riding Squirrel, what can we do?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Don’t pay attention to him. He’ll cry in your direction for hours if you let him.

Sad Orange Riding Squirrel: You would too if you knew the world like I do!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: I’m older than you, you freak of nature!

Linus: Shall we move along? If we don’t hurry we’ll encounter another Riding Squirrel around the next– Yipe!

Malex: What’s the matter– Whoa! Hello there, Round Blue Riding Squirrel.

Snufflefungus: We come in peace! We mean you no harm! Live long and prosper! Revenge is a dish best served cold!

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Don’t bother, he doesn’t speak.

Linus: No wonder, he’s got a stinking emoticon for a head!

Malex: Um, he’s tilting his head at me. Menacingly.

Snufflefungus: How do you know what he’s thinking?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: (Slightly regretful.) It’s best if you don’t know. There’s a reason we installed a smiling face on him.

Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel: Excuse me! Coming through!

Linus: Uh, what’s that strange odor?

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel, are you carrying buckets of water up to the attic again?

Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel: (Laughs nervously.) Yes. Yes! Isn’t it great?!

Malex: I’m not even going to ask where that came from. And I’m going to resist the sudden urge to ask where it’s going.

Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel: Want to come get wet with me?

Snufflefungus: Ooh! Ooh! Can I, Malex?

Malex: No. No, we’re not doing… that.

Wet Yellow Riding Squirrel: Suit yourselves!

Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Hey guys! It’s’a me, Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel!

Malex: We remember.

Linus: How could we forget?

Snufflefungus: Mr. Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel, why are you so ugly?

Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: Well, you know, it’s funny you ask. As a child, Uncle Ugly here used to like to play in the trash compactor! It made him all kinds of broken, stupid, and ugly.

Tall Green Riding Squirrel: You stupid– If you know it’s bad, why do you still do it?!

Ugly Beige Riding Squirrel: I’m an adult now, I can handle it!

Snufflefungus: Those bad habits. Once they’re formed, they’re hard to break.

Linus: Speaking of breaking…

Malex: Hey! What are you doing to my walls?!

Scary Grey Riding Squirrel: I’m’a Scary Grey Riding Squirrel. I do whatever I want to them.

Linus: I wouldn’t argue with the man, Malex.

Scary Grey Riding Squirrel: Who are you calling a man?!

Malex: That’s it. I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this. Linus, Snufflefungus, you’re with me. We need to go outside and find Little Red Riding Squirrel.

~~ Later, outside…

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Are you sure?!

Linus: Yes, Little Red Riding Squirrel, we’re sure.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Okay…

~~ Raging fire starts.

Malex: Hey, Snufflefungus, remember how I said we wouldn’t have any fireworks this Fourth of July? Consider these our surprise fireworks.

Snufflefungus: Yeah, that’s nice. But are you sure burning the house down is the only way?

Malex: Now Snufflefungus, houses can always be replaced. It’s our sanity and peace of mind that are truly irreplaceable.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: So, since I just did you guys a favor, do I get paid?

Linus: We might not beat you up or maroon you somewhere cold and alone.

Little Red Riding Squirrel: Deal!

Malex: Happy Fourth of July everybody.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to Mich3d for use of the Wooden Door sound effect.

Thanks to Homejrande for use of the Bonfire sound effect.

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.