Transcript (See below for credits.)

~~ Introduction

Malex: Hey everybody and welcome to Malex Minute 119! I’m Malex and I’ll be hosting the show for today.

Linus: It’s going to be a terrible day today. I just know it.

Malex: Well of course it will if you’re already complaining about it! Ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Linus: No, this time I have a reason.

Malex: Really?

Linus: Today is Friday the thirteenth!

Malex: Oh Linus, don’t be superstitious.

Linus: Hey, if you’re allowed to believe in prophecies, I’m allowed to believe in superstitions!

Malex: Prophecy- No, the prophecy was your- ... (Sighs.)

Linus: I win.

Malex: So anyway, I heard in the news they’ve been finding salmonella in tomatoes.

Snufflefungus: Isn’t that a kind of fishie? What would a fishie want inside a tomato?

Linus: No Snuffy, that’s only the uncooked kind of fishie.

Malex: Salmonella is a bacterial disease.

Snufflefungus: Oh. So, we had a bacterial disease for dinner at the fish place last week?

Linus: Yes-

Malex: No, that was salmon.

Snufflefungus: Right, the bacterial disease!

Malex: No, salmon is a fish, salmonella is a disease. Hear the difference?

Snufflefungus: So, salmonella isn’t the name for a girl fishie?

Malex: No, female salmon are just called salmon.

Linus: But there are correlations between females and parasitic, potentially fatal bacterial infections! Ask Malex, he knows all about it!

Malex: ... Are you a lunatic?

Linus: Wouldn’t you like to know!

Malex: Back to the subject at hand, salmonella in tomatoes...

Linus: All the experts agree that Ohioville is particularly vulnerable to this issue!

Snufflefungus: I’m not so sure I wanna eat any more tomatoes.

Malex: Oh it’ll be okay Snufflefungus, the problem will go away eventually. Then you’ll be able to eat tomatoes again.

Linus: I’ll go look for a cage with steel bars to put the tomatoes in that we have now, so that we’ll be safe from salmonella.

Snufflefungus: (Frightened.) What will happen if we don’t put the tomatoes in a cage?

Malex: Nothing. We would have to eat the tomatoes to get sick from them. They aren’t going to do any harm by themselves with nobody around.

Linus: Just look at them. Aren’t they nice-looking tomatoes? Plump and juicy... But they’re sick tomatoes.

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Snufflefungus: (Yelp of surprise.) Malex, one of the tomatoes started talking!

Malex: What?

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Linus: Oh my.

Malex: What is it saying?

Snufflefungus: I can’t understand it!

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Linus: The- The illness is manifesting itself in a horrible parody of human speech! (Slightly losing his cool.) It’s ... so unnatural!

Malex: Okay, nobody touch it! I’ll get... a bag, or something.

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Linus: Maybe you’d better hurry up with that, Malex!

Snufflefungus: I’m scared.

Tomato: (Nonsense.)

Malex: Okay, here we go.

Snufflefungus: Easy now, easy...

Malex: Got it!

Tomato: (Muffled.) (Nonsense.)

Linus: (Panicked.) Quick, get rid of it!

~~ Malex runs outside.

Snufflefungus: There he goes!

Linus: I wonder what he’s planning to do with it?

~~ Outside with Malex.

Malex: Say, you there!

Man: Who, me?

Malex: Yes sir.

Man: What is it?

Malex: Would you take this bag from me for five dollars?

Man: What for?

Malex: So it won’t be in my possession anymore.

Man: What’ll I do with it?

Malex: Well that’s entirely up to you, isn’t it?

Man: Well, alright...

Malex: Thank you. Here is your five dollars. Goodbye!

Man: Great. Now I have a bag I’m too afraid to open. Again. I’ve gotta start thinking these things through.

~~ End

Credits

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writers: Peter Markley and Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.