Transcript (See below for credits.)
~~ Introduction
Malex: Hey everybody, Malex here. Welcome to Malex Minute Quarter 9! How do you like the new theme music?
Snufflefungus: I liked it! I couldn’t hear any difference!
Linus: (Uncharacteristically Cheerful) I liked it! It’s got rhythm and I can dance to it!
Snufflefungus: But Linus, I didn’t see you dancing!
Malex: Yeah, you never dance.
Linus: I always dance! I just, you know, dance in my mind where you can’t see me!
Malex: How pointless. So, for everybody joining us on the Internet, we’re recording this week’s episode live from the Smoothie Brews coffee shop in Pataskala.
Snufflefungus: (Whispers) And there are people watching us.
Linus: No, Snufflefungus, they’re not watching you, they’re actually studying you. I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re in a cage. Being experimented on.
Snufflefungus: Sounds like fun!
Malex: ... Right! Well, we’re having a party to celebrate the beginning of our third year-
Linus: No, it’s a party to celebrate the end of our second year.
Snufflefungus: I prefer my year half full. I guess that makes me an optometrist!
Linus: If you insist.
Malex: Boy, well, we’ve got a great show planned for you tonight. We’re going to be-
Snufflefungus: Malex, what are the plans?
Malex: I was just talking about them.
Snufflefungus: Can you say them again? I was distracted.
Linus: Aren’t you supposed to know this? You’re in the show!
Snufflefungus: Oh yeah, I remember my line! Knock knock!
Malex: Um... Who’s there?
Snufflefungus: I forget.
Malex: I- I forget who?
Snufflefungus: I forget...
Malex: I- I forget who?
Linus: Well if you don’t know who you’re talking about, how are we supposed to help?
Malex: Good save!
Linus: Thank you!
Snufflefungus: What just happened?
Malex: Uh, okay! Wait, wait, alright, alright, I have one. Alright, now, stop me if you’ve already heard this one before.
Snufflefungus: Okay...
Malex: Okay, two guys walk into a bar, alright? The first guy says, “Barkeep! My friend needs a water!” Then the second guy turns to him and says, “Stop, dude, I’ve already heard this one before.”
Snufflefungus: (Awkward silence.) What? I don’t get it.
Malex: Well, you know... I said, “Stop me if you’ve already heard this one before...” The second guy, he’d already heard it before, so... Alright, never mind.
Linus: Ladies and gentlemen, a horrifying peak inside Malex’s mind!
Snufflefungus: Yay!
Malex: Oh great, that’s exactly what I needed.
LRRS: Hey guys, I magically appearing somehow!
Malex: (Screams.) Arrgh! Er, that is, fancy seeing you here, Little Red Riding Squirrel!
Snufflefungus: Quick, everybody hide!
Malex: What are you doing here, anyway?
LRRS: It’s’a party! I was invited!
Linus: Who in their right mind would invite Little Red Riding Squirrel?!
LRRS: You did!
Snufflefungus: (Gasps) Linus!
Linus: I did not! I sent out uninvitation cards to all our enemies!
LRRS: Yeah, that. I got that invitation card, and here I am!
Malex: Of course, of course.
LRRS: I like your new theme song...
Linus: Burn it.
LRRS: But I like mine better! (Starts singing.)
Snufflefungus: Please stop it!
Malex: No! Little Red Riding Squirrel, no!
LRRS: (Continues singing more quietly.)
Malex: No!
LRRS: So I’ve had a great week this year! I imported lead-based toys from China and I sold them to all the unwitting childrens!
Linus: And thanks to your lead, they’ll be unwitting forever.
LRRS: Exactly! Then I can take over the country and nobody will care!
Linus: Malex, can we just set him on fire?
Malex: No, no, Linus, we’re supposed to be kind to our enemies.
Snufflefungus: Yeah! Turn the other cheek!
LRRS: Can I sit in your lap?
Malex: Absolutely not. Why don’t you go get some coffee and sit in the back somewhere.
Linus: Far away...
Snufflefungus: You know, it’s a good thing I don’t get stage fright, ’cause there are a lot of people here, and they’re, like, staring at me.
Linus: So? Get over it.
Snufflefungus: But, they’re laughing too.
Linus: (Comforting) Snufflefungus, they’re not laughing with you, they’re laughing at you.
Malex: (Angry) Aw, Linus, right to the moon! I swear, right to the moon!
Linus: I’ve been to the moon, it’s nothing special!
Malex: It’s a figure of speech!
Linus: And you’re a figure of abject patheticism!
Snufflefungus: I’m pretty sure you just made that word up!
Coffee Cup 1: Excuse us.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, excuse us.
Snufflefungus: Coffee cups!
Malex: What are you doing here, coffee cups?
Coffee Cup 2: (Condescending.) This is a coffee shop.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, a coffee shop. Where else would you expect to find us?
Coffee Cup 2: Really, where else? I think this man is just as broken now as he was when we first met.
Malex: (Sarcastic) Nice to meet you too.
Linus: I hate to break it to you, utter freaks of nature, but you’re interrupting a very important show here.
Coffee Cup 1: (Offended) Oh, well!
Coffee Cup 2: Is this rodent yours?
LRRS: Hiya guys!
Snufflefungus: No. No, it is not.
Coffee Cup 1: Well it seems to think it is.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, we think so too.
Linus: Think anything you want, it won’t make you right.
Coffee Cup 1: How perverse!
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, incredibly perverse!
Coffee Cup 1: Doesn’t he realize that anything we think is right?
Coffee Cup 2: Well, except for that one time.
Coffee Cup 1: Haven’t I ever told you to shut up before?
Coffee Cup 2: Never.
Coffee Cup 1: Well I’m saying it now.
Coffee Cup 2: How perverse.
Malex: I’m sorry gentlemen, but we simply cannot take responsibility for Little Red Riding Squirrel’s presence.
Coffee Cup 1: Well, we find its existence offensive in the extreme.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, offensive. Like the foul, foul smell of fertilizer on the thick spring wind.
Coffee Cup 1: Yes, the thick spring wind.
LRRS: Thank you so much! In my mind, fertilizer symbolizes beauty and depth of character!
Malex: Little Red Riding Squirrel, why don’t you go bother somebody else?
LRRS: Okay! I’ll go ruin the people next door!
Linus: We find him offensive too, but what are we supposed to do about it?
Coffee Cup 1: You don’t need to do anything about it at all.
Coffee Cup 2: Anything about it at all. Oh look, here comes our solution now.
~~ Door opens.
Mike: Hey everybody, some kind of party in here! Oh, hey, it’s Malex and that crazy legless talking dog of his!
Linus: This is your “solution?”
Snufflefungus: I’m not a dog!
Mike: That’s a good trick. That’s actually really funny. Good doggy. Here’s a treat.
Malex: Hello Mike, long time no see.
Mike: Not nearly long enough, ya freaks. So what are you guys doin’ here?
Malex: We’re... Trying to do a show.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully) We keep getting interrupted!
Linus: Actually, I have a sneaking suspicion that these interruptions are far more interesting than anything Malex had planned. Malex is a really dull person.
Mike: I’m sorry to hear about that. That’s too bad. So anyway, I was somewhat offended the other day. You know, I didn’t know anything about no party until I got one of these fancy uninvitation cards here. I gotta tell you, man. That hurt. (Points to heart.) It hurt right here.
Malex: Linus, who all did you send uninvitation cards to?
Linus: Most everybody.
Malex: Well, Mike, you’re here now, and that’s what matters most, right?
Mike: No. No, it’s not. I’m here on the job.
Snufflefungus: What do you do? For your job?
Mike: Pest control. I got a call to come here.
Linus: From who?
Coffee Cup 2: We called him.
LRRS: I got bored, so I came back!
Mike: Whoa! There’s a big one!
Mike: I got it, I got it!
~~ Fire and screaming.
Malex: So much for treating our enemies with kindness.
Snufflefungus: Yeah, there’s not much cheek left to turn there.
Mike: Just doin’ my job. No need to thank me.
~~ Door opens.
LRRS: Hi guys! What did I miss?
Linus: (Gasp) Arrgh!
Malex: Another one?!
Snufflefungus: Little Red Riding Squirrel, weren’t you dead a second ago?
LRRS: No, I’ve got infinite supplies of me!
Mike: Oh heck no, I ain’t doin’ this. No, he’s got some kind of cheat code or something.
Coffee Cup 1: We’ll pay you extra if you take them all out.
Coffee Cup 2: Yes, extra. Double extra if you do it before sunrise.
Mike: Nope, I’m gone. See ya’ never.
Snufflefungus: (Cheerfully) Bye!
LRRS: Will you pay me to do the job instead?
Coffee Cup 2: How perverse.
Malex: Well Ladies and Gentlemen, it looks like that’s all we have time for today. Thank you so much for being here, and we hope you’ll join us again next week at MalexMinute.com for more fun and madness!
Linus: Malex, can we leave? Now, perhaps?
Malex: Absolutely.
~~ End
Credits
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writers: Alex Markley and Peter Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Alex Markley
Illustrations: Peter Markley
Release manager: Alex Markley
Filming: Aisling and Lilly
Thanks to everyone for their help and support. 
yeah 
)
but whatever ... as long as you now have proof that Malex voices LRRS it's all good 
Video is Delayed
Submitted by Malex on Fri, 2008/03/07 - 5:18am.
You'll notice that there's no video attached to this episode yet. It's 4:15 in the morning, and I'm officially releasing the rest of the episode without the video.
As far as I can tell, the editing process is done and the video looks great. The only problem is that there are still a few hours of processing which need to happen before I can actually release the video.
And right now, I badly need sleep.
Look for the video version of this episode to show up tomorrow morning or afternoon. (I'll post another comment here when it's done.)
--Alex Markley
"Crap, I have levitation class at 25:131. Better set the alarm to 'cinnamon'."