Episode 01x39 - Rent-A-Goon

Icepunk:

Slappy and I face off, completely ignoring Malex, Zilly, the Goon Squad and an unconscious Linus. Thubthub is nowhere to be seen; he must be hiding somewhere.

“This ends right now, Ice-junk!” Slappy declares, brandishing his cane. “I’ve put up with a lot of crap from you: being attacked and having my bus stolen, losing my bus in a fiery explosion-”

“For the record, that last bit was your fault, not mine,” I interject.

“-and after being humiliated in a snowball fight, you threw me into some really screwed up retirement home where they drugged me 24/7 and put laxatives in the food!”

“Yeah, I felt really bad about putting you in that place. Say, is it true that they let you guys run with scissors?”

“Yeah,” Slappy says, “there’s a silver lining to every dark cloud I expect. Heck, there are even several guys over there who ended up losing some various aspects of their anatomy during ‘fun with sharp objects hour’. Now THAT was funny...”

“I’ll have to remember that when I’m looking for a retirement home. Anyway, you were ranting and sort of got off topic. Where were we?”

“Oh yeah. Prepare to meet your maker, Ice-dunk!”

“That last play on my name didn’t make a whippety-dip of sense.”

“Uh-huh. Talk about the table calling the toaster racist.”

Malex:

“So how did you end up with Linus?” I asked Slappy.

“Oh, he floated up to me and started taunting me for being bald. I recognized him and his unique brand of swearing, so I captured him.”

“When did you see Linus before?” I asked suspiciously.

“Umm...” Slappy looked around nervously. “I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I’ve been stalking your friend. How did you think I knew where your apartment was?”

“Oh. Freaky.”

Slappy shrugged. The rent-a-goons were raiding the now fully-stocked fridge.

“Whatever,” I said, freeing Linus from the table and taking him under my arm, “I’m gonna check dotslash. Try not to make too much noise when you kill Icepunk - I might be asleep.”

Icepunk:

“Could you take this outside?” Zilly asks. “We just redecorated.”

“Say, I don’t mind if you trash the place,” Malex says from his prostrate position on the floor. “As a matter of fact, I’d prefer that you did; this place hasn’t been manly ever since it’s been ‘redecorated’ by Zilly.”

“Hey,” Zilly retorts, “I put a lot of hard work into our apartment, and you’re not even appreciative of it? You... You...”

“You really suck?” I offer.

“Yeah! YOU SUCK!” Zilly turns on his heel and storms out like a prissy little girl.

“Zilly! Get your effeminate butt back here! You’re a superhero, remember?” I remind him.

But Zilly is already gone, so it’s up to me to save the day. “Hold on, I need to tie my shoelace. It might take awhile, so feel free to go and get some Chinese takeout and come back in a bit.”

I duck behind a kitchen counter and begin changing into my costume and checking my weapons. “Okay,” I call, “I’m still down here tying my shoelace, but someone who looks exactly like me is going to come out and accept your challenge! He’s wearing a trench coat, so that should prove that we are not - repeat, NOT - the same person.”

I feel a shadow pass over me and look up to see Slappy standing over me. Crap! My secret identity has been compromised!

Malex:

I heard quite a bit of arguing in the main wing, so I decided to go watch.

I arrived in the lobby just in time to see Slappy leading his rent-a-goons in formation against Icepunk and a cowering Zilly.

“Can we take this outside?” Zilly whimpered. “We just redecorated.”

“Oh come on,” I said, “you can trash the place. It really hasn’t been very manly since it’s been ‘redecorated’ by Zilly.”

“What?!” Zilly whined. “I put a lot of very hard work into this apartment because I was grateful to you for taking me under your wing, and this is how you repay me?!”

“Look, Zilly,” I said. “I appreciate the effort, but now the building manager is really, really angry at us and stuff. Avoiding that would have been desirable...”

With a loud, wordless whimper of despair, Zilly turned and exited the building like a camp girl who had been unable to sell any cookies in front of the local grocery store.

“NO!” Icepunk yelled. “Zilly, I NEED you!”

Slappy laughed in a most evil manner. “Where’s your backup now, Ice-munk?”

“Uh,” I interjected, “you know that didn’t make a whippety-dip of sense, right?”

“So I’ve been told,” Slappy said.

“Just give me a couple of hours to tie my shoelace, okay?” Icepunk practically begged before diving behind the drink bar.

“Stalling for time?!” Slappy shrieked. He then ran over and yanked Icepunk out from behind the counter - except Icepunk was now attired in some odd clothes that appeared to have come from a third or fourth-hand clothing store.

At this new development, all of the rent-a-goons gasped. “It’s an amazing superhero guy!”

Icepunk:

“Where did he go, and who is that amazing superhero guy?” The awestruck goons gasp in surprise.

“Ha-ha!” I say, striking a pose. “I’ve got you now, Slappy! I am the Amazingly Incredible Icepunk! No relation to the mild-mannered Icepunk who lives here.”

“Let’s step outside for a moment and duel until one of us is mortally wounded or dead,” Slappy suggests.

“Sure. Hey, Malex, you think you could record my favorite TV show for me?” I ask him.

“What’s the point? Slappy’s just gonna kill you anyway.”

“Come on, man. I’m a bloody superhero! He can’t kill me!”

“Right. I forgot. Have fun getting beat up.”

“I will! Don’t forget to feed Thubthub; he tends to destroy expensive stuff when he’s not fed.”

Malex:

Icepunk? A superhero? Somehow I felt more confident in my own ability to flap my arms and fly to the moon. However, he had the costume and a secret identity. Also, he was about to get his butt kicked. This I was going to have to see...