Episode 01x29 - Unwieldy Facial Hair

Malex:

We’d only been here for two minutes, and already several things had gone wrong.

First, Linus, who had discovered the magic of full mobility, had already damaged his body rather severely. He was only a machine at heart, so I wasn’t too worried about him feeling unbearable pain or anything, but the fact that he was able to be hurt at all worried me. Wasn’t virtual reality supposed to be ‘safe’?

Problem two was the little nook in which we found ourselves. Judging just by the shape of the nook, it seemed to be a natural formation of some kind. (Of what kind, I could not begin to guess.) In one corner was the portal from whence we had apparently come. Scattered around it were various ornamental items that reminded me of some kind of shrine or temple. Etched, or burned, into the wall were several pictures apparently depicting various aspects of life in this world. The one common aspect to all of the pictures was a face that seemed to be overseeing everything. A god, perhaps? The face looked somehow familiar...

Problem three was that this environment was like nothing I’d ever seen before, and it didn’t look easy to navigate. It didn’t register at all, although there was something about it that seemed almost familiar. However, I didn’t have time to figure out exactly what it was that seemed familiar because of problem four.

Problem four happened to be the undersized humanoid natives wielding spears and trying to herd us away from the portal that was our only way back to the real world.

“Help! Help!” Linus screamed. “It’s got unwieldy facial hair and a spear! Back! Back!”

The little natives didn’t appear to speak our language, nor did they appear especially interested in harming us; they simply wanted us to move away from the portal. Of course, we didn’t really want to move away from the portal without knowing more about exactly what we were getting into, so conflict was imminent.

Violence was about to be unleashed when a familiar voice rang out, “Just come away from the portal. Everything will be alright!”

“What the crap?” Icepunk exclaimed. “Boof, I swear you have a knack for popping up at exactly the worst time.”

We allowed ourselves to be led away from the shrine, and I got my first good look at our surroundings.

We were walking on a path of some sort that was suspended in the air. The path had crudely designed railings to keep us from falling off into the abyss below. As I looked around, I noticed many thousands of these snake-like brown paths suspended in the mist, above, below, and around us. Frequently, several smaller paths would branch off at odd angles from a larger branch, creating even more confusion. All of the paths that were level enough to walk on had railings built onto them. There were rope bridges and ladders to move from one path to another. Frequently there were bulbous artificially constructed buildings - dwellings, apparently - precariously suspended from, balanced on, or strung between these paths.

I looked down at the ground under my feet as we walked. The ground was hard, and made of a flaky brown substance. It reminded me of something. The chaotic spray of snake-like paths suspended in the air around us reminded me of something.

I suddenly realized what it was, and nearly collapsed.

It was a tree.

It was a tree! We were walking around on the branches of the largest tree I had ever seen.

I looked down again and shuddered. Gee it would stink to fall off...

Icepunk:

“Icepunk, I think we’re in a giant tree,” Malex whispers to me as we cross a bridge. “Look down.”

“I’d rather not. I really dislike heights, you know.” I snicker and nudge Malex. “Wouldn’t it be funny if Linus fell off this rope bridge? All the other bad stuff has happened to him.”

By odd coincidence, Linus, who is being escorted by Poo and several of the bushy-haired natives, suddenly trips and lands hard on some of the bridge’s planks. Poo helps him up while the hairy little men chirp annoyedly.

We eventually reach the end of the bridge and after a short walk down a mossy path, our party enters a hodge-podge of tiny dwellings made of sticks. A couple dozen little people and their children come out of these homes to stare at us. None of them seem even remotely malicious, just curious and almost repulsively cute.

“Alright,” I demand of Boof. “What’s going on here? Shouldn’t you two be working at the Taco King?”

Boof glares at me and says between clenched teeth, “You burned it down. We were gone six hours and you utterly destroyed our only place of employment.”

“Yeah, well...” I say lamely.

Malex ignores my attempts to think of a comeback and focuses on Poo. “Weren’t you the ‘team leader’ of the new OS project at MicroSlop? I distinctly remember that stained shirt, which should probably be burned to ash around your miserable, unwashed body.”

“Hey!” Poo says defensively. “This is my favorite shirt!”

“Yeah, and it’s probably ripe enough now to commit crimes against humanity without any intelligent intervention.”

Poo grunts in response.

“Oh, and speaking of crimes against humanity...” Malex continues as he steps menacingly towards Poo. “I had to write the entire OS by myself, thanks to you.”

The Cowardly Poo grabs one of the furry warriors’ spears and brandishes it. “Stay back!”

Boof grabs the spear from Poo and mutters something about not being such an idiot. To us he says, “We were just about to share dinner with the tribe. Would you like to join us?”

“What are you having?” I ask eagerly. “I could really go for some barbecued chicken and mashed potatoes with some gravy.”

“All we have,” Boof said, “are mushrooms that are slightly toxic and bugs that taste like charcoal. The nutritional content of both is questionable, but they haven’t killed any of us yet.”

“So no chicken, huh?” I say disappointedly.

As the tree branch widens we come to a place with a fire pit in the center. A rickety table is nearby, which is being used to serve food. I grab a roasted bug and sit by the fire. I eye the bug skeptically before biting its head off and chewing as fast as I can.

“Wonderful,” Malex states sarcastically, surveying the available food. “I wonder what other joys Robb and Bobb have in store that we’ll stumble across before the end.”