Episode 01x28 - Another Case

Malex:

“As we were saying,” Robb said, “the combination of warrior and sleuth make your organization an excellent choice for the solution to this particular problem.”

“Can you be at our offices in an hour?” Bobb finished for his brother.

“Uh, I guess...” I said non-committally. Something seemed odd about the whole setup, although I couldn’t think of what.

“Excellent!” Robb and Bobb said at the same time. Creepy.

They gave me directions and turned to go. Icepunk was helping Kobb to his feet - a difficult task indeed. Echofly was trying to look busy with paperwork.

“Well!” Kobb said once he was oriented properly again. “That went much better than I could have hoped. I’ll never be able to thank you both enough.”

“Well, thanks for choosing us!” I said, very nearly sarcastically.

As soon as Kobb left, Echofly enthusiastically interjected, “We get to go back to the virtual reality! I can’t wait!”

“No WAY!” I say. “There’s something odd about this ‘situation’ of theirs, and I don’t want you within five miles of it.”

“Oh please, as if I can’t take care of myself...” she said combatively.

“Uh, for the sake of sensitivity, I’ll not respond to that,” I said. “Just please stay here and sort Icepunk’s papers. His system of filing things under the number of letters in the title really just doesn’t lend itself to efficient retrieval.”

Echofly fumed, and we left.

We had decided to stop off at the apartment in order to grab a couple things, including Linus, who we thought might be very useful given the description of the problem, and Thubthub, who was surprisingly good with guns, for a hamster.

When we arrived, I yelled in surprise. “What the hey?!”

“Sweet!” Icepunk interjected. “The brotherhood!”

Indeed, there were at least 15 hamsters in the apartment, all of which were... weight training?

Thubthub, who was now wearing what appeared to be my red winter scarf wrapped around his forehead, chattered excitedly at Icepunk.

“They’re training for battle!” Icepunk shouted in my general direction. “Awesome!”

Linus was sitting on a table in the corner, looking dejected.

“Hey Linus!” I called. “We’ve got a job for you-”

“I LOST AGAIN!” he screamed.

“Wha-?” I exclaimed. “Lost what?!”

“I lost another game of chess to the stupid hamster!” my laptop wailed. “What kind of computer loses to a rodent?!”

“Well, you’ve gotta remember that he is a war general of sorts...”

“Oh, that’s consoling...”

“Come on!” Icepunk hollered. “We’ve gotta get going if we’re going to be there on time.”

We left Thubthub’s troops training in our apartment, and drove, quickly, to Robb’s and Bobb’s offices.

They were waiting for us.

“Welcome!” Robb said. “Your lady associate came a few minutes ahead of you, and is already waiting inside.”

“She what?!” I bellowed.

“Oh my,” Bobb said, “did we do something wrong?”

“Meh, never mind. Why don’t you tell us about your problem?”

“Well, our two testers have gone missing.”

“So hire somebody more reliable,” Icepunk interjected.

“No,” Robb said, “you misunderstand. They’ve gone missing in virtual reality.”

“What?” I asked. “Couldn’t you just bring them back by taking the sensory pad off their necks?”

“Actually no,” Bobb said apologetically. “Our newest GameSloob prototype uses alien transporter matter-buffer technology to hold the subjects’ matter inside the computer. Technically, unless they walk through the exit, they don’t even exist anymore.”

“Alien matter-buffer technology?” I gaped. “You sent Echofly into this thing without any way of bringing her out?!”

“Well, yes.”

Something in me snapped. “Normally I’d avoid breaking twigs as athletically unendowed as you, but I think I’m about to make a special exception...”

Icepunk held me back, “Hey, remember, these guys were gonna pay us lots of money! We can just walk in, save the girl and two dorks, and walk out. End of story!”

“Alright,” I said, “but if anything happens to her, you’re both going to end up in little pieces drifting to the bottom of a very deep body of water.”

We all crammed into the small, hacked up transporter cubicle. With the push of a button, we were gone.

Icepunk:

We materialize in a world of fog and dead wood. It takes us a moment to get used to our new surroundings without permanently damaging our brains. Malex, Thubthub, some weird guy and myself appear to be on a flaky, bark-like surface that slopes gently down two sides, petering off into the mist.

I, the ever insightful theologian that I am, ask the age old question, “Where the crap are we?”

The weird guy, who seems familiar somehow, says sarcastically, “Obviously we’re in Robb and Bobb’s latest virtual reality prototype.”

“Excuse me,” Malex says. “Who the heck are you?”

The blond guy, who looks like he’s had plastic surgery done to look like a pretty boy, looks at his boots and stretches his legs, as though it is somehow new to him. Preoccupied with wiggling his fingers and bending his knees, he asks, “Think about it. Who could I possibly be except that lovable artificial intelligence of alien origin?”

“Oh. Hello, Linus. Looks like you’ve got a human body for some reason.” I scratch my head and rub my eyes to make sure I’m not having a weird dream.

Malex rolls his eyes and scans our environment.

Still experimenting with his new limbs, Linus begins doing an Irish jig. Not skillfully, but nonetheless amazingly for somebody who has just now received a human body.

“Linus! Stop! Please, please stop that!” Malex yells in agony.

“Okay.” Linus stops dancing, and in a show of stupidity, punches a hardwood altar behind him for no apparent reason.

Linus screams long and loud, cradling his arm.

“What did you do that for?” I ask. “That was the dumbest thing anyone, including me, has ever done!”

Malex examines Linus’ arm. “Hmm. Well Linus, you’ve broken your arm and crushed your hand. Good job. Even when you’re in human form, you still need me to baby you.”

Linus jumps up and down and curses. “I didn’t know you humans were so brittle!”

“At least we have the good sense not to punch solid wood,” I mutter.

A prickly sensation crawls along my spine. “Hey, guys,” I whisper. “I think we’re being watched.”

“You just now figured that out?” Malex asks. “We’ve been waiting for you to notice that group of natives with spears and stuff behind you for, like, a while now.”