Episode 01x25 - Do Not Touch This Button

Malex:

“Why Dr. Zilly!” I exclaimed. “It’s been a while! How are the wife and buttletts?”

Icepunk, who was apparently angry with me, was trying to punch me in the face, and was screaming something about getting him killed. Meh, I wasn’t the only one suffering from angst...

Dr. Zilly was so angry that he couldn’t speak, so I spoke instead. “Dr. Zilly, you might want to do something non-violent quick before that vein in your forehead explodes.” To Icepunk I whispered, “Look, we can fix this. Just jam the burrito into the transporter console,” I gestured toward a promising candidate, “and transport this ship somewhere improbable!”

While Icepunk scurried away, I continued to distract the Dumbbutts.

“You know,” I continued, “I love you guys! I mean, I know it’s gotta be difficult being the terrors of the universe, crushing the little guy, and that sort of thing. You’ve got to be widely misunderstood!”

Dr. Zilly’s crew was obviously confused about what to do, so I kept it up. “You just need to laugh a bit! Seriously, a good hearty laugh would throw everything into an entirely new light!”

I couldn’t believe my luck. The crew seemed to be warming up to me. Some of them even chuckled a bit!

“Maybe a song! A dance?” I did some fancy footwork and tipped my out-of-place fedora to one of the ladies on the bridge.

Dr. Zilly finally overcame his in-progress brain aneurysm and croaked, “KILL!”

Icepunk:

While Malex occupies the Dumbbutts, I sneak over to the transporter controls and put my chin in my hand to appear as if in deep thought. The thing is so complicated it’s hard to tell where to stuff the burrito in, much less how to operate it.

I shrug, snarf the burrito, and begin pushing buttons at random. Nothing seems to be happening, and there are a lot of buttons to press, so I sit on the panel, thereby pressing them all at once. Strange, the lights seem to have dimmed and are now flickering.

A technician yells. “Dr. Zilly! Something is severely draining our power!”

“Well DO something Snotty! We’re busy!” Zilly screams.

I notice a button with an ominous label. “Please do not push this button. Ever.”

“Sweet!” I exclaim. “A button with a taboo! That’s the best kind!” I press the button, and a synthesized female voice reverberates throughout the ship, “Please do not press that button again.”

“Well what are you going to do about it?” I ask obstinately.

Silence.

“I thought so,” I state smugly and press the button. Half of the ship disappears along with all of the Dumbbutts except Dr. Zilly.

I whistle casually and stroll over to Malex. “Mission accomplished. Can we go now?”

Malex:

“Kill him!” Zilly screamed, pointing at me. “Get him out of my sight! Fling him from the ship! Anything!”

“Whoa now!” I yelled. “Let’s not be hasty about this. Discipline is one thing, killing is another thing entirely! Besides, I haven’t gotten married and had kids yet, so you just can’t kill me!”

Unfortunately, Zilly was in no mood to be convinced. Almost immediately, two more Dumbbutts appeared, brandishing nasty-looking weapons, but looking a tad confused.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed, returned to full brightness, dimmed again, and started flickering on and off.

“Dr. Zilly! Something is severely draining our power!” one of the bridge crew yelled.

“Duh,” I thought, but said nothing.

“Well DO something Snotty!” Zilly called back. “We’re busy!”

Zilly turned to the two security Dumbbutts who were standing just behind me. “Well?” he asked. “What are you waiting for?”

“You’re ordering us to kill this guy?” one of the Dumbbutts asked. “Seriously?”

“That’s what I said!” Zilly screamed.

“With pleasure, sir,” the other Dumbbutt said with a sneer.

Just before they did me in, a disembodied female voice rang out. “Please do not press that button again.”

Complete and utter silence. Everyone looked at everyone else. Fear was on everyone’s face.

Suddenly, the entire ship was cloven in two by some invisible force. All that remained was a very small section of the bridge, which was solely populated by myself, Zilly, and Icepunk.

The ship, missing large portions of its hull and inner workings, was entirely unable to fly anymore. Thus, it began to fall rather rapidly toward the sand dunes below.

Icepunk stood up from the smoking remains of the transporter console, put his hands in his pockets, started whistling, and kinda shuffled over to me. (Walking is difficult in the near-zero gravity of free-fall.) “Mission accomplished. Can we go now?”

I surveyed our situation quickly and responded sadly, “Yes, I expect we’ll be going any moment now.”

Dr. Zilly simply clutched the back of his command chair and wept like a child.

Icepunk:

“I told you this was a bad idea!” I yell at Malex as we hurtle toward the ground in the remainder of the ship.

“No, what you said was that you didn’t want to get dragged into this. There’s a difference,” he replies pointedly.

“We’re about to die. Don’t get technical with me!” I look at Dr. Zilly, who has been sobbing grotesquely the whole time. “Yo, Zilly. Any chance you’re sane enough to offer some suggestions that could keep us from dying?”

“Actually, I doubt he cares, as long as I bite it too.” Malex says bitterly.

A silence follows that is broken only by Zilly’s weeping and the whistling of the air as we continue to fall to the earth. Soon we’ll become a part of the desert landscape - just like the pyramids, only bloodier.