Episode 01x22 - Let Me Die. Please.

Icepunk:

“Dang it Icepunk!” Malex is spluttering with rage. “You retarded lump of rodent excrement! Not only did you almost kill us, you also destroyed our client’s prototype game system! Now, not only will he not pay us, he’ll probably insist we pay to replace it, and possibly sue us for good measure!”

“That’s not the half of it,” I respond. “I got a metal splinter lodged in my thumb pushing that thing out the window.” I grimace as I yank the splinter out. “Crap that hurt! I should sue them for putting sharp corners on the GameSloob.”

“I’m sure you’d get far with that,” Malex mutters as he opens the driver side door, steps inside and slams it shut. “Get in, people,” he says bitterly.

We hop in silently. King Thubthub and I get in the back, Echofly gets in on the passenger side.

While Malex drives furiously away from Jubhead’s apartment, Thubthub turns to me and says, as only a joyous hamster can, “I am most grateful to you, Icepunk, for preserving my life! I and my hamster warriors are forever indebted to you. You may command my army to abolish evil and establish overall goodness! My troops are fearless warriors, trained in the ancient arts of gnawing and clawing.”

“Gnawing and clawing may have worked on wusses like HamsterBait and Gill Bates, but I need to teach you guys the fine arts of slapping and projectile warfare before we can make any real progress against the evil that is coming,” I tell Thubthub, imagining the many conquests and victories that I could achieve with the help of the hamster warriors.

Malex:

Icepunk and Thubthub were chattering to one another in the back seat. Bah. Icepunk couldn’t get any stupider if he took a tack hammer to his own skull.

“Hey,” I said to Echofly. “Where are we dropping you?”

Inexplicably, she burst into tears.

“I’m sorry! What did I say?!” I fought to retain control of the car while checking to make sure she wasn’t in any immediate physical danger.

“Nothing! I’m sorry!” She made an effort to dry her eyes and explain. “I lost my job and couldn’t keep up with the payments for my new apartment, so I moved in with my boyfriend.”

“THAT guy?!” I was flabbergasted.

“Okay, it was probably stupid of me, but what am I gonna do now? I can’t go back!” she cried.

I hadn’t really been paying attention, so I had driven us to the apartment.

“Well, we’re here now... Why don’t you come up and get a drink while we think of something?” I asked her.

Icepunk:

I climb the stairs wearily. Malex, Echofly and Thubthub follow me to the apartment. It has been a long night, full of disappointment, yelling, more yelling, and Malex randomly pulling over to the side of the road to lash at me verbally and physically.

I try my key in the lock, but it doesn’t fit. I realize that it’s the wrong apartment, so I move down a door or two. We hear Linus cussing loudly in multiple languages and dialects. Definitely our apartment.

“Sorry, that’s my sadistic laptop that we’re pretty sure came from the pits of Hell,” Malex shrugs and says to Echofly.

I open the door and enter. “Linus, we’re home! You can stop cussing now.”

More vulgarities, this time from the pink bunny with a shotgun.

“Oh, hi Mister Bunny,” I say. “What are you doing here?”

Malex:

“Whoa! Whoa!” I yelled.

The bunny, who had apparently returned from wherever we sent him, was brandishing a shotgun and an evil grin. Icepunk and I immediately burst into action, splitting up like pros. I went for the tazer, and Icepunk went for the duct tape.

“Don’t worry!” I called back to Echofly. “It’s just an evil, pink, revenge-seeking bunny! We do this all the time!”

“NO!” the bunny screamed as we stripped it of its weapon and mummified it with duct tape. “I’ll die before I re-enter this hell! Let me kill you or let me die! PLEASE!” It quit speaking when we covered its mouth, although it continued putting up quite a struggle until after it was wrapped up nicely and dangling from the ceiling fan.

“Whew!” Icepunk interjected pointlessly as he wiped sweat from his forehead.

“Wow!” I said, smiling like an idiot. “That brings back memories.”

Echofly probably would have said something at that point, except for the fact that she fainted and slumped to the floor.

“Yeehaw!” Linus said to me. “Now’s your chance boy!”

“Alright that’s it!” I yelled at Linus. “I’m cutting you down to 64 MB of RAM for a month for that!”

“No! Please, no!” the laptop pleaded repentantly. “I swear, I’ll quit swearing! I’ll quit everything! Just don’t take my short-term memory away!”

Icepunk:

I flick on the ceiling fan and watch as the bunny swings around, dangling by a thread of tape.

“Is it just me,” I ask, “or is the bunny a little bit smarter than it was before?”

As the bunny gains speed, it emits a high-pitched scream. I had removed its gag for the simple reason that I enjoy pain; if the victim can’t express said pain, it’s a lot less gratifying.

“Yes,” Malex says distractedly. “It never really talked before we sold it to that person on FleeceThem.com. I wonder what the heck happened?”

The tape snaps and the bunny hurtles into the dining room like a rag doll.

“Hope he didn’t break anything,” I say to Malex, who is snapping his fingers over Echofly and saying, “Wake up, dang it!”

I grab the bunny by the ears and stuff him under the couch. The bunny appears to be unconscious, as his tongue is hanging out and he’s producing large amounts of drool.

“Thubthub,” I say, “guard the bunny. If he moves at all, blow off a couple of limbs.”

Malex:

I was starting to get really worried about Echofly. She was out like a light, and there didn’t seem to be anything I could do about it.

Just as I was getting ready to call the squad, she opened her eyes and stood up suddenly.

“Whoa there!” I said. “Welcome back! Have a seat.” I gestured to the couch that had the unconscious bunny under it and went to pour her a drink. “All we’ve got is tap water in a dirty glass, but you’re welcome to it.”

I came back to find her shivering on the couch. “You guys sure do lead interesting lives.”

“Do we?” I handed her the glass. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“So where am I sleeping tonight?” she asked.

“Woo!” Linus started to interject, so I slammed the laptop shut violently.

“Well,” I began, “we need a secretary at the office.”

“We do?” Icepunk asked.

I glared at him pointedly before continuing. “So we were thinking that you could sleep on a cot there at night and work for us in the day - at least until you’re back on your feet.”

She looked at me and actually smiled. “Thanks. I’d like that.”

“Okay!” I said. “Let’s go!” I turned to Icepunk, “We’ve got some paperwork to do, so you’d better come too.”

Icepunk chattered for a second or two at King Thubthub, who saluted, shouldered his handgun, and started marching back and forth in front of the couch, chattering to himself to the beat of his tiny footsteps.

As we left, the bunny was beginning to roar, and Linus was cussing at me to open the darn laptop.