Episode 01x20 - Four Idiots With Guns

Malex:

As a programmer, I was impressed. And indeed, the virtual reality world we were tromping around in was quite detailed. The interface was brilliant also. My senses were so perfectly tuned to this new world that I was unable to even convince my body that I wasn’t walking around on hard dirt, let alone figure out how the illusion worked.

Unfortunately, I really wasn’t able to pay as much attention to the beauty and complexity of the environment as I would have liked, as we were fighting to protect honor, dignity, and all-around goodness! Or something...

Our chances were slim, as our four crazed opponents were quite prepared to inflict carnage upon the landscape, and we were but a skinny retard, a short programmer, a stoner girl, and an oversized hamster.

“Echofly!” I called. “Hey, I’m really sorry about the other night at the club. I didn’t actually intend to get kicked out...”

She stopped and looked at me. “Why do you care?”

“Uh...” I was at a loss. Brilliant. “I dunno, I just hate to see people in pain...”

“So you descended on the party to ‘rescue’ me from my boyfriend?” She asked. I got the impression that some other, unasked question was hovering in the background.

“Uh no... Er...” I hate those unasked questions. “What I mean is that we came to the party chasing down this game. Icepunk and I are supposed to return it to its rightful owner,” I responded.

“That wasn’t my question.”

“Why do you hang out with those guys? They’re not doing anybody any good...” I said lamely.

“Oh come on, you hang out at the club too,” she said, crossing her arms.

“Yeah, but I’m not like them... You can see that, right?” I replied questioningly.

“I guess... You do seem to have the most bizarre companions...”

Suddenly the hamster, whose name was apparently King Thubthub, started jumping around and squeaking for all it was worth.

“I see it too!” Icepunk said excitedly. “Come on you two lovebirds, there’s a bunker at the top of that hill. We should be able to find weapons and a better position within its concrete walls!”

“Lovebirds?!” Echofly took offense, but we had little choice but to follow Icepunk and his pet hamster up the hill.

Icepunk:

I trade my sword in for a plasma pistol. My comrades enter the bunker cautiously. I check the settings on my pistol to figure out how it works. “These are kinda cool.”

Malex grabs a rifle off the rack and chambers a round flawlessly.

Thubthub searches for a gun that is small enough for his tiny body, shoulders a handgun, and salutes me. “What are your orders, sir?”

“Let’s march.” I snag a shotgun and lead our ragtag team out of the bunker. I come to a stop and hold up my hand. “Something is wrong.”

“What?” Malex asks in a whispering sort of voice.

“I dunno,” I say. “How should I know? Why do I always have to solve all of our problems?”

Thubthub squeals as a bolt of energy lances through his shoulder. The smell of burnt fur fills my nostrils. “That really smells. Get back inside now!”

We scurry back into the bunker, firing into the surrounding hills.

“What do we do?” Echofly asks.

I head for a gun port and return fire. “We fight, of course.”

Malex and Echofly join me in laying down suppression fire so as to prevent our enemies from moving or shooting back. Thubthub is in a lot of pain, so he just sort of lays on the floor, breathing heavily, trying futilely to reattach his arm.

My gun starts to get really hot, to the point where I have to drop it and get another one. My hand is really burned. “This is pretty realistic. I can actually feel the pain!”

Neither Malex nor Echofly responds. They’re too busy shooting at the charging enemy team.

My burned hand forgotten, I stare at the act of stupidity before me. “Are they completely retarded?” I am forced to query.

Three big dudes, spraying bullets and expletives everywhere, run towards us like freaking morons. They are met by surprisingly accurate gunfire from Malex and Echofly.

The gunfire stops as the three bad guys slump to the ground. “Nice shooting. Hey wait a minute! That one moved!”

“I’ll fix that!” Malex calls. A brief burst of gunfire and the enemy stops moving.

Malex’s forehead scrunches. “Weren’t there four guys?”

“Yeah! Where’s the other one?” I asked.

Squinting, I try to see if the missing guy is trying to snipe at us from somewhere. Typical moron strategy: send a bunch of cannon fodder in as a distraction for something else.

I hear a door open, and several shots, followed by a scream. I turn slowly, still cradling my burnt hand. Apparently, the last guy had crept in while we weren’t looking, and Thubthub shot him.

“Nice shooting.” I turn to Echofly. “Want to kiss my boo boo?”

Malex:

Echofly slapped Icepunk around for a while before turning to me excitedly and grabbing my hands. “We won! We did it!” She was nearly jumping... I really never knew what to expect from women...

“Don’t forget,” I said, “they’ve been back in reality for the last few precious seconds, and we’ve still gotta get out of the apartment unscathed.”

We exchanged grim glances as the elaborate faux reality in front of us wavered out of existence.