Episode 01x12 - MuffinsAreYummy

Icepunk:

“Well?” the alien demands. “What are you doing here?”

“I was captured and brought here by an egotistical piece of crap, and am currently looking for a way out of this place.”

They look confused. “Um, we’re not completely sure about human metaphors yet. Are you being facetious?”

“No, a piece of crap really did drag me in here against my will.”

“I see...”

My eyes light on the Z-Box the Squids seem to have been playing. “Hey, can I play Z-Box with you guys?”

“Sure. You any good at first-person shooters? We’ve been playing Leprechaun Killing Spree for approximately sixty of your earth hours, so now we can probably kick your puny human butt.”

“That sounds like a challenge!” I say dramatically.

“But of course!”

Malex:

I entered the pass code into the keypad and prayed that it wasn’t wrong. Who knew what these sadistic freaks might have rigged up in case of an incorrectly entered entry code.

Suddenly the ground began to rumble and shake. I quickly backed away from the grove of trees and gazed in wonderment as the whole assembly rose up out of the ground.

The entire grouping of trees rose along with a circle of dirt and sod which was approximately ten feet across. This was supported by three moss-infested stone pillars, each of which was approximately twelve feet high. All of this rested on an ornately decorated stone floor which, when it had fully risen, was flush with the ground.

I was not, however, paying attention to the elevator as much as I was to its contents. Four people in suits stood inside and gazed out at me for a moment.

I tried to think of something to say, but I was quite speechless.

Before I could break the silence, one of the agents did it for me. “You the new guy?”

“Yeah,” I managed to croak.

“We’re just leaving, but I’d suggest adhering to the dress code a little more carefully next time,” said another agent, nodding toward my casual clothes. “The good doctor hates it when we don’t blend in.”

I barely had time to wonder what he meant by that when they all began walking away. I noticed something odd about their gait, but was unable to put my finger on it.

When the agents left, I cautiously entered the elevator, which immediately started down.

Icepunk:

I waste all three Squids yet again, smearing their pixelated blood on the ground liberally.

“No fair!” Complains Shinycheeks, so named because of his somewhat crude screen name.

“Hey, you guys asked for it when you came after me with a rocket launcher and a couple of wimpy pistols,” I say, silently congratulating myself for defeating the aliens in the gory video game. Aliens can build spaceships and abduct people, but they can’t even play a decent game of Leprechaun Killing Spree. Sad. Just plain sad.

MuffinsAreYummy grimaces. “Have you ever been in a real war, human? Have you ever watched your comrades die beside you in a firefight, or had to hold off countless Dumbbutt soldiers with nothing but a plasma rifle and a few photon grenades?”

“Um, no,” I respond. “Dumbbutts, you say?”

Darth_bunny nods. “Our accursed enemies for five hundred millenia. We call them Dumbbutts because what little brains they have are located in their Gluteus Maximus.”

“Woo, too much information.” I shake my head. “Who’s up for another round of LKS?”

Malex:

Emboldened by my success at the gate, I strode around the complex purposefully, looking for Icepunk.

As I passed yet another agent in the hall, he screamed - prompting me to turn around. “What the devil is wrong with you?” I inquire.

“My prisoner!” the man responded - pacing worriedly and biting his nails. “He’s gone!”

“Prisoner?” I asked. “He wouldn’t happen to be tall, thin, arrogant and slightly psychotic, would he?”

“Indeed he would! The good doctor will not be pleased!”

“Really? Tell you what. I think I saw your little lost prisoner running that way. Could you point me toward the good doctor? I’ve gotten a tad turned around, and I absolutely must confer with him immediately!”

The agent looked at me oddly for a moment, so I cocked an eyebrow at him and stared defiantly. “Dr. Zilly may be found in that direction,” the agent pointed in the direction that I had been heading. “Just follow the signs.”

I thanked the agent and began following the signs. Soon enough, I found Zilly’s office and strode in.

Icepunk:

“Arrghh!” Screams Shinycheeks, throwing his controller in the direction of my head. He misses, but Darth_bunny gets a moderate lump on his ugly noggin. “I give up! We can never beat you, you... you are... ”

I smile. “Come on, say it.”

“You are the man,” he says, bowing to me the best a head with tentacles growing out of it can.

“There, there. That wasn’t so bad, now was it?”

The Squids look slightly dejected, so I go over to the pop machine and rifle through my pockets for some coins. I find none, so I ask the Squids, “Got any quarters?”

Just then the door opens and Agent Twit comes in.

“Ah, Icepunk,” Twit says, smiling warmly. “I see you’re still a skinny vomit-inducing worm.”

“Agent Twit!” I respond joyously. “How good of you to come, you sadistic boot-licking gargoyle.”

“Now that I’ve found you, I’m going to make sure you never leave this complex alive,” Twit says.

Over the PA we hear an eerie electronic voice say, “Agent Twit, please report to Doctor Zilly’s office immediately, an urgent matter has come to his attention.”

Twit curses in some alien tongue. I can’t really make out what he’s saying, but my ears start to burn. Apparently the Squids understand because they protest loudly. “Leave our mothers out of this, Dumbbutt!”

“I’ll come back and kill you as soon as I find out what the doctor wants,” Twit says, pointing at me, “so don’t try and escape.”

I cross my arms and scowl as he leaves. “Promises, promises.”

Malex:

“Are you Dr. Zilly?” I interrupt a busy-looking little man sitting at a very cluttered desk.

“Why yes,” the harmless little man responds. “What exactly can I do for you?”

“I am here looking for a friend who was apparently brought here late last night. I’m sure that he deserves whatever you plan on doing to him, but you most certainly don’t have the right to do it.”

Zilly’s face suddenly grew quite menacing. “You are associated with that human?”

I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. Fortunately, Linus interrupted from a computer on Zilly’s desk.

“Sir, the missing human has been found in the containment room with the Squids.”

“Excellent,” Zilly said. “Please send Agent Twit down here to pick this one up. He will join his friends, and then they will die. Just so long as they’re not in my office when they do it...”

Icepunk:

The door opens and Twit drags Malex in. “I will be right back, I need to get some... ‘torture devices’.” For some reason, he laughs in a most evil manner as he walks out. Moron.

Malex surveys the room the Squids and I have been held captive in, seeing foam cups that once had coffee in them, half-eaten donuts, napkins, video games, playing cards, and various strewn articles.

“How did you make a mess like this in a single day?” he gapes. “It took you a week to do this to your half of the apartment.”

I nod at the Squids. “My roomies don’t really have good cleaning habits either. Consider it collateral damage.”

Malex stares at the aliens, recovers his composure and offers his hand to the nearest Squid gingerly. “How do you do?”

MuffinsAreYummy shakes Malex’s hand with his tentacle. “Quite well, thank you. How are you, sir?”

“Marked for death, but okay.” Malex turns to me and says, “You know that bunny that was in our apartment?”

I think for a moment. “Dude, that was a long time ago, I don’t remember exactly...”

“The guy wearing a bunny suit,” Malex sighs. “It was yesterday. His ninja buddies kidnapped you.”

“Oh yeah, that!” I snap my fingers. “Did you refer him to some sort of plastic surgeon? I kinda crushed his goods.”

“No details, please. Anyway, I duct-taped him to the ceiling above our table. I don’t really know why.”

“We can always toss carrots up at him, I suppose.”

Malex:

Without warning, the door burst open, revealing Twit and another ‘agent’. They were carrying a strange looking device - possibly a method of torturing or killing us. Additionally, their faces had changed.

The Squids may have been ugly beyond the capacity of mortal man to fathom, but these guys were evil. Everything from their bloodshot eyes to their abnormally sharp teeth screamed stereotypical evil.

“You know,” said I, “I bet those teeth are uncomfortable. I’m sure I know a dentist that can fix those right up...”

The ‘agents’ did not respond, except by advancing menacingly toward our vulnerable position.

“I think they’re gonna kill us!” Icepunk said. “It’s about time, too!”

“Back! Back you satanic spawn of the swamp!” I called. It did no good.

Suddenly the Squid creatures leapt over Icepunk and I, and proceeded to suck the life out of the sub-human agent creatures.

“Run for your lives!” one of the Squids called.

We did.

Outside of the lair of evil:

“Linus, you backstabbing little turd!” I rebuked. “Why did you give Icepunk’s position away?!”

“Well excuse me for helping!” Linus seemed hurt.

“Holy talking laptop, Malex!” Icepunk said with a start. “It’s creepy!”

“Dude,” I addressed Icepunk. “Your pie hole. Shut it.”

“Helping?” I turned to Linus and asked. “How was that helping?”

“Your only chance was those Squid guys and you know it,” Linus yelled. “If I hadn’t gotten all of you together you would’ve been dead.”

“Creepy-floating-head-in-laptop-guy has a point you know,” Icepunk interrupted.

“Dude,” I yelled. “Icepunk’s pie hole needs to be shut now!”

“La la la la! Not listening!” Linus chanted.

“Dude!” I screamed at my laptop. “How are those Squids good guys? You’re not telling me everything!” I pleaded, but Linus was in no mood to talk.

The rest of the long drive home was carried out in utter silence.