Episode 01x09 - Bunny From Hell

Malex:

“How in the world can you be such an idiot?!” I exclaimed. “She obviously needed our help, and you got us kicked out like a herd of retards invading a Mensa convention!”

Icepunk regarded me as if I had been expectorated by a camel.

“Dude, your eye is twitching,” Icepunk responded, “what’s up with that? So we got kicked out of a really lame rave. Big deal.”

“She was like a trapped kitten, cold and alone. I tried to help her, but you scared her away. I knew you were a heartless sack of crap, but I had no idea to what extent.”

Being too angry to continue the discussion, I checked the news. Surprise, surprise - all of my former co-workers had been arrested on terrorist-related charges.

I wandered around the Internet like a restless spirit - checking web-comics I didn’t even really like, shopping for things I couldn’t afford. Finally, exhausted, I ate the unpreserved leftovers from my previous meal and prayed that I wouldn’t get food poisoning.

Having satisfied the petty need for sustenance, I sank into my bed and tried to go to sleep.

Unfortunately, sleep was far from me as I lay there trying to come to terms with the bizarre events of the last few days.

MicroSlop, my idea of a dream job, had turned into a nightmare. I had nearly let my anger get the best of me. I shuddered again at the thought of how close I had come to blowing my stack - literally and figuratively. I was just glad I hadn’t been caught up in the whirl of governmental wrath.

Eventually I lost consciousness, although it wasn’t restful enough to be called sleep.

Icepunk:

For the past couple of hours, Malex has been alternating between yelling at me and weeping about some stoned raver chick. Right now he’s sleeping the sleep of the mentally ill.

I shake my head. On the one hand, Malex is so complex. On the other, it’s like he’s completely transparent. This is one of those times when I have absolutely no idea what that madman is so upset about.

Malex, being a programming freak and all, has one of the fastest PCs available - a Smackintosh with Roadkill Internet access. Occasionally he lets me use it, or I hack it. A good idea when he’s threatened to kill me multiple times consecutively.

I key up my favorite search engine, sit for a few minutes, and think. For lack of anything better to do, I type in ‘Squid poop’.

A home page appears with the CIA logo.

Oh, crap.

I shrug and click on one of the links labeled ‘CIA project Squid poop’. After all, they can only kill me once. I hope.

I read the project data aloud. “Project Squid poop, blah blah blah, nuclear weapons facilities on the moon, blah blah blah.”

I squint at some fine print at the bottom of the page:

“If you’re not supposed to be reading this, our field operatives will taze you and drag your lifeless body to our headquarters for immediate execution in approximately forty-two seconds. If that doesn’t work, the ninjas we’ve hidden in your home or business will finish you off.”

Hmm. Some even smaller print is below it. I put on my reading glasses and read the last line:

“We are dead serious. Seriously.”

I scratch my chin. “Hey, Malex, what’s tazing?”

Zzzt!

“Ow! Quit fooling around!”

Zzzt! Zzzt! Zzzt!

“Ow! Ow! Ow! Dang it, Malex...” I turn in my chair and see a giant bunny staring at me, a strange device in its paw. “Hey, Mister Easter Bunny! Little late for Easter, isn’t it?”

Malex:

As I restlessly slept, I dreamt. I saw Echofly as she was meant to be - a beautiful woman with purpose and meaning, who leaves behind a legacy that anyone would be proud of. Then I saw her as she might end up - confused, hurting, and eventually dying all too young of some dreadful disease.

In the dream, I looked around for anyone who really cared about her enough to challenge her to fulfill her destiny, but I found no one.

I knew I wanted to help her, but I was so tired... Eventually, in sheer frustration, I sunk beneath that layer of the dream, into something too chaotic to relate.

Icepunk:

The bunny looks confused for a second, then, “Oh, you mean the suit. Ignore that, I’m really a CIA agent.”

He pauses for me to cringe in fear. I disappoint him.

Sighing, he continues. “My stereotypical black suit is, sadly, at the cleaners.” He looks at me for a minute. “Look, it was either this or my sister’s Halloween costume. I’d look pretty silly dressed as a fairy, don’t you think?”

I snicker and the bunny smacks me on the head with its paw. “Shut up. Listen, I don’t know how you found out about Squid poop, but I’m gonna either have to kill you now or do it later. Which is it?”

“Later’d be good for me, like after I’ve gotten married, had kids, sent ’em off to college and gotten old and gray.”

“Later it is.”

The bunny tazes me a couple of times before the battery dies, so I start punching him in the head. However, the evil rabbit’s fur seems to be absorbing the force of my blows. Even bunnies have balls though, and he’s left me no alternative but to squash his nads into oblivion.

A swift kick and my foe slumps to the ground unconscious.

I turn instinctively as three black-garbed ninjas materialize in our living room, wielding katanas, nunchaku, and shuriken.

The CIA must be pretty hard up for hired help. First a giant bunny with easily squashed nuts, now midgets dressed as ninjas?

Malex:

My restless sleep continued unhindered by such things as peace and quiet. Eventually, I became aware of something that sounded very like Icepunk screaming like a girl.

At first I concluded that it was part of the dream, but as it continued to get more annoying, I decided to investigate. By the time I finally got my eyes open, the screaming had stopped, and Icepunk was being dragged, limp, out of the apartment by Japanese ninjas. The floor was littered with dead bunnies and ninja stars. Once again convinced that I was dreaming, I went back to sleep.