Episode 01x07 - Brotherhood of Hamsters

Icepunk:

Finally, the day has come for us to reclaim our ancestral birthright and vanquish the Demon Bates. Or at least get some petty revenge and shoot stuff.

I don my trench coat and yank some boxes out from under my bed. I open the box labeled ‘Automatics’, begin inserting clips into some choice weapons inside, and conceal them on my person. Once I have enough guns to take on a small army, I hand Malex his weapons, calling them off as I go.

“Sig Sauer .9MM.”

“Check.”

“Glock, models 39, 40, and 42.”

“Check.”

“Colt .44 Magnum.”

“Check.”

“Machine pistol.”

“Check. Now let’s go. Should we take my car?” Malex asks.

“Yeah, we’d better take your car. A stray ninja star hit the gas tank of my bus - now there’s a large crater where it used to be. Dang that Slappy!”

Malex:

I fired up my clunker of a car, sadly noting the large dent in the front - a mark left by the Taco King’s pillar when I destroyed it. Somehow, my bitterness regarding the injustices dealt to me by MicroSlop had lessened at the prospect of destroying everything they held dear. I looked up at the rising moon and smiled.

There would be blood spilled this night.

Upon our arrival, we were faced with an unplanned contingency - how were we to get in? I brushed past another clump of picketers and approached the building.

Another protester stopped us. “Aren’t you two some of Bates’ new lackeys?”

“Not anymore,” I responded solemnly. “We’re about to take a chunk out of MicroSlop’s hide.” He looked at me, saw the fire in my eyes, and realized I wasn’t kidding. “You and your friends had better find someplace more safe than this parking lot to spend the night,” I said to him before moving onward.

I moved as close as I could to the building and opened my laptop. My beautiful operating system started up flawlessly, and I used my recently-expired employee ID to log into the company’s wireless network. Fortunately, the system hadn’t yet been informed about my discharged state, and allowed my entry without complaint. I immediately used my knowledge about their network to temporarily disable their security system.

I motioned to Icepunk, who promptly shot out the glass of the front doors and calmly entered. I looked back before entering, and noticed that the protesters had all fled. Perhaps the sight of our explosive arsenal had finally sent a clear message. Good. No sense in hurting innocent people.

Icepunk:

Guns drawn, we enter the lobby. “No one here,” I note.

“Oh really? By Jove - Icepunk, you’re a genius!” Malex says. “Okay, where do you want these explosives?”

I motion to Perky’s desk. “She isn’t going to need this after we blow up the building anyway.”

Malex drags our duct-taped pile of C4 over to the desk.

“Thanks,” I say. “I’ll take it from here.”

“You’d darn well better. I nearly killed my back lugging that around,” he gripes sullenly.

I walk over to the pile of explosives and toggle the homemade timer. Just then, I hear a familiar British accent behind me. “I say old chap, you’re going to need a lot more C4 than that if you want to demolish this building - especially considering this grotesquely un-strategic placement.”

Malex:

Icepunk introduced me to the British-sounding black-clad gentleman who had confronted us in the lobby, a man called ‘Jennings’, and we shook hands.

“So how exactly are you tangled up in all of this?” I inquire.

“I’m a double-agent, actually. I’ve been sent in by the government to undermine a ring of terrorists.”

“You’re a double-agent?! Sweet!” Icepunk pointlessly interjected.

“So THAT’s why Bates wanted me to intentionally place flaws in the software I was hired to write!” Lights were going on in my head. “He wanted to use my software as a vehicle for cyber-terrorism!”

“Yes old chap, he’s a sick piece of donkey dung, and I was just about to arrest him.”

“Wait, there are still people in the building?!” I was horrified at the prospect of blowing people up with our little fireworks show.

“Well how did you think he was going to leave? The protesters outside the building would never let him get to his car alive...”

“Well,” said Icepunk, “if we can’t blow the building up, can we at least help you capture Bates?”

“Certainly my good man! Just follow me.”

We abandoned the explosives in the lobby, and followed Jennings upstairs.

“Dude, I thought you could only get to Bates’ office with an elevator,” Icepunk states.

“No, the law requires that all floors can be accessed with stairs,” Jennings reassures us.

As we continue climbing the monstrous flight of stairs, another question comes to mind. “Jennings, you wouldn’t happen to know what became of Dingo, would you?”

“Ah yes, unfortunate incident. He got too close to my real purpose here, and, well, I put him away. It was quite painless, I assure you.”

“I could teach you some really arcane torture techniques!” Icepunk eagerly offered.

“No thanks old chap, I really don’t need any more.”

I couldn’t really think of anything to say, so I shut up and kept climbing.

By the time we arrived at Bates’ floor, we were all exhausted, but more determined than ever.

Icepunk:

We open the door, ready for anything. Or so we thought.

“Oh, the horror!” Malex yells dramatically to disguise his sudden urge to retch.

I really can’t blame him, even my stomach churns at the sight before me.

Mr. Bates’ corpse is being gnawed on by oversized hamsters. Not a pretty way to go.

“Whoa, nasty!” I exclaim.

Even Jennings adopts a somewhat solemn demeanor. “Poor bugger. What a way to go...”

Malex:

“How is this even possible?!” I yelled. “Could these knee-high perversions of a generally loved species of rodent be the same demonic creatures that killed DJ HamsterBait?”

“Did you say DJ HamsterBait?” Jennings inquired, suddenly interested.

“Yeah, I guess he was a DJ at a club on the other side of town.”

“That man was another of the terrorists in this area! He was about to be arrested by one of my peers when something very similar happened to him.”

While I was still reeling from the sight before me, Icepunk edged forward. Suddenly, one of the hamsters noticed him, scurried over, and started chattering as if speaking. “What? Seriously?!” Icepunk exclaimed as if in response.

“Please don’t tell me you understand him,” I said wearily.

“He says that he’s leading this bunch of killer hamsters while they wait for their real leader to be released from captivity, and that they’re an army of justice and overall goodness!”

“Ah, so you do claim to understand him. I think I’m gonna go home.”

“I’ll clean up this mess. You go get some sleep old chap,” Jennings says comfortingly.

I had wanted to take revenge on Bates, but this wasn’t what any of us had had in mind. It was horrible.

When I left, Icepunk was gesturing and chattering with some of the hamsters. I didn’t care anymore. I needed sleep and food.