Happy Birthday to me! Oh, too much? Okay, I’ll back off.

So, just like the geezer Linus claims he is, Malex just wishes for an opportunity to sit back and read his book on his birthday. And actually, real life Malex* wished for some peace and quiet too!**

But you know what they say about wishes? “If wishes were hoses, you’d have beggars all over your lawn.” At least, President Anchorman says that about wishes. Everybody else says that President Anchorman is channeling metaphysical hooey. I’m inclined to agree.

But I digress! This episode was produced at the cost of many brain cells and a little bit of dignity. We desperately hope you like the resulting episode, so we can honestly tell the wife and kid brain cells that the front line brain cells died for a good cause.

ttyl!

——Alex Markley

“Again with the faked aphasic logorrhea? If you don’t know the answer to a question, you can just admit it! Gosh, I’ll just ask somebody else what time it is!”

* - Me.

** - Needless to say, neither of us got it. We’re plotting revenge together e’en now.

~~ Introduction

Snufflefungus: Malex, Malex! It’s your birthday, Malex!

Malex: Why, so it is, Snufflefungus!

Linus: (Laughs derisively.) You’re old now!

Malex: Twenty-two? How is that old?

Linus: If you have to ask, it means you’re already too senile to understand the answer!

Malex: I think you’ve forgotten how to understand numbers again.

Linus: (Defensive) Shut up! I don’t do that!

Snufflefungus: Malex?

Malex: Yes, Snufflefungus?

Snufflefungus: Do you want to do something for your birthday?

Malex: Actually, I do.

Snufflefungus: (Excited) Ooh, can we go to the Cheesy Pizza Fun Joint, where they have bad food and scary, scary robot animals playing music?

Malex: I don’t–

Snufflefungus: What about the theater with the sticky floors and the 24-hour arcade?

Malex: That’s not–

Snufflefungus: What about the theme park with the half-mile, upside-down roller coasters?

Linus: Snuffy, shut up and let the man say what he wants!

Snufflefungus: (Undiminished happiness.) Sorry, I’m just excited.

Malex: Actually, you know, I got that new book, and I– I’ve really been wanting to read it. So, for my birthday, I think I would like a day of peace and quiet so I can read my book.

Snufflefungus: Really?

Linus: I was wrong. Snuffy, keep making suggestions. They might jump-start his aging brain.

Snufflefungus: (Timidly) Water park?

Malex: (Laughs parentally.) No guys, really, I just want some peace and quiet. A rest from our disproportionately exciting lives would be a most welcome birthday gift.

Linus: Okay, Malex. Snuffy and I will leave you alone. Enjoy your quiet! Come on, Snufflefungus.

~~ Linus and Snufflefungus leave the room.

Snufflefungus: Where are we going, Linus?

Linus: Okay, sidekick huddle.

Snufflefungus: Are we sidekicks?

Linus: (Conspiratorially low voice.) Malex is only saying he wants peace and quiet because he doesn’t want to be a burden on us! So he’s sitting in there, getting more and more disappointed in us every minute something amazing doesn’t happen!

Snufflefungus: (Gasps) Oh no! What can we do?!

Linus: We’ll need to try and figure out what he really wants.

Snufflefungus: How?

Linus: He might be sending us hints by what book he’s reading! Did you see what it was called?

Snufflefungus: Murder on Some Train.

Linus: Which train?

Snufflefungus: I don’t know, that was the title!

Linus: Oh. (Skeptical) Do you think he wants there to be a murder in this house?

Snufflefungus: (Hesitantly.) I don’t think so…

Linus: Darn it all, what can we do to Malex on his birthday!

Snufflefungus: Hush, Linus, he’ll hear you!

Linus: Well, what can we do?

Snufflefungus: What if we hire a balloon, attach it to the house, and fly to South America for an adventure?

Linus: Eh, already been done. Besides, this house is too rickety to handle the stress.

Snufflefungus: We could go to that crazy museum again.

Linus: Too frightening.

Snufflefungus: Paintballing?

Linus: Too messy.

Snufflefungus: Volcano bowling?

Linus: Too pedestrian.

Snufflefungus: Bungee Jumping?

Linus: Perfect! Let’s call and see if it’s an option.

Snufflefungus: Okay!

~~ They call Bunge-Of Madness

Representative: (Weary.) Hello and thank you for calling Bunge-Of Madness, what can we do for you?

Snufflefungus: (Cheerful) Hi!

Representative: Hi.

Snufflefungus: We want a bungee jump for my friend! He’s having a birthday today, and he wants excitement!

Representative: Oh, we’ve got excitement.

Snufflefungus: Great! Now, there’s just one thing. My friend, he doesn’t like to admit that he wants excitement. So we want to surprise him with this bungee jump.

Representative: And how exactly do you plan to do that?

Snufflefungus: He’s in the living room reading right now. Could you come over and make a trap door open underneath his chair?

Representative: A trap door?

Snufflefungus: Yes! I think that would be very exciting. And if you set everything up very quietly, he wouldn’t suspect a thing!

Representative: Listen, honey, if you want to bungee jump, we can set an appointment for you to come out some time after next week. Otherwise, I can’t help you.

Snufflefungus: So, no trap door?

Representative: No trap door.

Snufflefungus: Okay then, thanks for your time!

~~ Snuffy hangs up the phone.

Linus: So surprise bungee jumping is out.

Snufflefungus: I’m afraid we’re back to the drawing board on this one, old friend.

Linus: Not quite, I have an idea!

~~ Later…

Malex: Wow, this is a real page-turner. I just love quietly sitting and reading.

Horde: Surprise!

Malex: (Screams)

Linus: Happy birthday!

Snufflefungus: Happy birthday, Malex!

Malex: Who are all these people?!

Linus: Oh, we thought you wanted some excitement, so we hired a professional surprise party firm!

Snufflefungus: They came right away!

Party Guest 1: (Yelling) Hey guys, how loud do you think this stereo can get?

Party Guest 2: Happy birthday man, good to meet you. So where do you keep your food?

Malex: (Whining) Oh man. So much for peace and quiet!

~~ End

Producer and Director: Alex Markley

Writer: Alex Markley

Voices: Markley Brothers

Post-processing director: Gabriel Markley

Illustration: Peter Markley

Release manager: Peter Markley

Recording assistance: Leela

Thanks to everyone for their help and support.