The Malex Minute
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Malex Minute 015
Linus and Snufflefungus pack to go grocery shopping, and Malex gets physically attacked by a telecom company. (Good thing stuff like this could never happen in real life, right?)
Here we go! I'm pretty well on time this week, so I'm happy despite all the gain issues that we didn't catch until we were well into the editing process. (Also, I've done better SFX, but I'll try not to dwell on it.)
It's something of a shame, but I was unable to put together any premium downloads because today's episode came together pretty smoothly during the recording, and nobody made any funny or interesting comments.
Even so, this episode may be one of our funniest, and it's surely our longest ever. Give it a listen if you're feeling brave, and let me know what you think!
Transcript
Nobody: New Intro
Malex: Ah, I just love that new intro.
Snufflefungus: Yeah, that’s just never getting old.
Linus: I’ve suffered through it twice already, can we scrap it yet?
Malex: No! I like it!
Linus: Okay, whatever. Here, Snufflefungus, take this.
Malex: What are you doing?
Snufflefungus: I’m holding stuff!
Malex: Not you, him!
Linus: I’m not really doing anything at the moment.
Malex: It looks like you’re having Snufflefungus pack up extra batteries.
Linus: You’re getting more perceptive by the minute! Congratulations.
Malex: I was just wondering, you know…
Snufflefungus: Oh! I just remembered!
Malex: What, Snufflefungus? What did you remember?
Snufflefungus: We got a letter for you, like, weeks ago! Here it is!
Malex: Well I certainly hope it wasn’t anything important… Oh.
Linus: What? What does it say?
Malex: It says that it’s an overdue bill… What could MobilityUSA want from me? I purchased a year of service like four months ago!
Linus: What kind of service could you possibly want from a company as seedy as MobilityUSA?
Malex: I have a text pager through them. It’s convenient because people can reach me, and it’s significantly cheaper than a cell phone, so I can spend more money and effort on the Malex Media Network.
Snufflefungus: Um… The 90s called. They want their beeper back.
Linus: Yeah, seriously… You need professional help if you’re still carrying around a pager.
Malex: Why don’t you just load your batteries and stop talking?
Linus: Whatever you say, Mister "I have a beeper because I’m a cell-phones-rot-your-brain nut."
Malex: I never said that cell phones rot your brain!
Linus: Ahem.
Recording: (Linus) "Why don’t you just get a cell phone?" (Malex) "Oh, I can’t afford one. Besides, they rot your brain."
Malex: You managed to drag up a recording?! Why would you record something like that?
Linus: Because I can, and doing so opens up doors just like this one.
Snufflefungus: He’s got you there…
Malex: *sighs* Whatever… I’ve gotta investigate this bill.
Linus: What is it for, anyway?
Malex: It’s hard to say. Their invoices suck. I think it’s claiming that I’m over my page-per-month limit.
Snufflefungus: Maybe you _are_ over your limit!
Malex: I don’t think so… If these numbers were true, I’d be getting eleven pages every quarter-hour. It’s gotta be a mistake.
Linus: That can’t be good.
Malex: Let me see… Most of my pages contain diagnostic information from MalexMedia.Net, so I should be able to pull up exact numbers.
Snufflefungus: What kind of diagnostic information do you get from MalexMedia.Net?
Malex: Oh, you know, stuff like, "Dear Alex. I am malfunctioning, and hundreds of visitors are getting blocked every minute. Please deal with it when you can. Thanks. Bye."
Snufflefungus: Your computer sends you polite diagnostic messages?!
Malex: Uh, no.
Linus: If Malex programmed them, the best they’re able to manage is an unintelligible grunting.
Malex: See, it says here that this system only generated 130 pages last month, and it was similar for the past few months at least.
Snufflefungus: That’s not eleven pages every fifteen minutes…
Linus: What is their limit, like four pages a month?
Malex: No, it’s 500 pages per month. Even factoring in pages from other people, there’s no way we’re coming even close to 500 pages per month!
Snufflefungus: That’s pretty weird… (Phone rings)
Malex: Yes, hello?
Johnny John Johnson: Hello, this is Johnny John Johnson with MobilityUSA. Am I speaking to Alex Markley?
Malex: Yes, actually. I was just going to call you! There seems to be some kind of mistake…
Johnny John Johnson: Yes sir, there’s been a mistake. You’ve gone 15,021 pages over your monthly quota, and at $150 per extra page, you owe us $2,253,150 USD.
Linus: That is not a small number!
Snufflefungus: Doom equals very yes!
Johnny John Johnson: You’d better pay up within the next four minutes!
Malex: I’ve never even seen two million dollars in one place before! If I work my whole life, I’ll never make that much money!
Johnny John Johnson: Well, mister poverty, you should have thought of that before racking up 15,521 pages in a month!
Malex: Yeah, I actually need to talk to you about that, since it’s not possible for me to have generated that many pages.
Johnny John Johnson: Yeah? Well we check our system for errors every decade, and it’s infallible.
Malex: Okay, maybe the mistake is on my end. Can you send us paging records for my account, so we can see what you’re seeing?
Johnny John Johnson: Nope! That information is classified.
Malex: Now wait a minute! How can you justify sending me a two-million dollar invoice for charges which you refuse to prove that I incurred?!
Johnny John Johnson: You can get these records if you can get a subpoena, but not a minute before!
Malex: *sighs* Okay, where are these pages supposedly coming from? Are they coming from Alex at MalexMedia dot Net?
Johnny John Johnson: Yup. You should have spoken to your friend before he pushed you over your quota.
Malex: Um, Alex at MalexMedia dot Net is me!
Johnny John Johnson: Well why do you need to page yourself?
Malex: I don’t! Those pages are being generated by an automatic diagnostic system!
Johnny John Johnson: You should get a better diagnostic system.
Malex: Look, you’re not listening! I monitor this system very closely, and it only generated some 130 pages last month!
Johnny John Johnson: Well my records say that you’re wrong, so there.
Malex: Okay, fly boy, how about this? If your system claims to have delivered 15,521 pages last month, how come I didn’t get more than five percent of them? Doesn’t that indicate that I’m getting ripped off?
Johnny John Johnson: You went to school, didn’t you?
Malex: Yes. Yes I did.
Johnny John Johnson: Well you can’t confuse me with your fancy talk! I’m about to terminate your service, and then I’m going to send Big Men With Clubs to go take your soul.
Snufflefungus: Since when can you steal someone’s soul using clubs?
Malex: Look, Johnny–
Johnny John Johnson: Ah, ah! Only my mommy can call me Johnny! Are you my mommy?
Malex: Only in a hellish alternate reality. Look! Johnny John Johnson! If you cut my pager service, I’m going to take you to small claims court so fast it’ll make your head spin! I paid for a whole year of service, and if I don’t get it, there’s going to be trouble!
Johnny John Johnson: Personal threats, eh? Just for that, I’m going to pay for the premium service from Big Men With Clubs!
Malex: What? Premium service?!
Johnny John Johnson: That’s right! With the premium service, they’ll send us a video when they’re done!
Malex: Wait, Johnny John Johnson! There’s gotta be a way we can work this out like human beings! I need my pager! I need my SOUL!!
Johnny John Johnson: No can do. I lost the ability to work things out like a human being the day my mommy made me clean the toilet with my face. Goodbye!
Malex: Arrgh… I think my life is ruined.
Nobody: (Pager beeps.)
Linus: Well, it sucks to be you.
Snufflefungus: What does your pager say?
Malex: It says, "Pager Over. Have a nice life."
Big Men With Clubs: (Pounding on door.)
Snufflefungus: That must be the big men with clubs!
Linus: Well that’s it. We’re all packed!
Snufflefungus: Hey, Linus and I are going to the grocery store! We’ll be back later!
Malex: Yeah… Okay. Hey folks, thanks for listening to what will almost certainly be the last episode of The Malex Minute. Check back next week, and if I haven’t posted anything, please call the cops.
Nobody: New Ending
Credits
Producer and Director: Alex Markley
Writer: Alex Markley
Voices: Markley Brothers
Post-processing director: Alex Markley
Release manager: Alex Markley
Thanks to Cognito Perceptu for use of the Hammering sound effect.
Thanks to everyone for their help and support. 
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Comments
Oh wow!
I laughed so hard I started to puddle up. I love the voice for Johnny John Johnson! How can you write stuff this funny? And how can you manage all those voices?
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"It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes in The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet
Romance is like gasoline vapors; get enough of it in the air and a single spark can cause it to explode in flames.
Ha Ha Ha!
Okay, that's just hysterical! Oz and I laughed a lot. I love Snuffy, of course, and that Johnny John Johnson guy is disgusting! But now I'm worried about Malex. Don't open the door, Malex! Run! Run for your life!
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No more compromise, no more room for lies.
No more giving in to a world of sin.
-"No More Compromise" by Rubicon 7
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Fairy tales are more than true — not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten. - G. K. Chesterton
I'm Glad
I'm glad you all liked it.
--Alex Markley
If the definition of mass is an object's resistance to accelleration, and gravity is just a constant accelleration, shouldn't really massive objects just float?
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
yeah Malex
It is a little disturbing how many voices you can manage to do, and how different they are (ie. both Anonomous and Squeaky Satan)
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Insanity only brings people closer
Cats are just better than dogs. Period. Think about it: get a dog the size of a cat and the cat will win. Get a cat the size of a dog and you're into the small cougar range ... and the cat will win!
~Chris and Cliff of "The Jesus Geeks Podcast"
Don't forget...
the old lady
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Dew knot used you're spell chequer two fined awl yore mis takes.
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Gone
Can't wait to hear it
I'm downloading it now. I have most of the episodes on my iPod.
Btw I bought the complete series of Firefly. It cracks me up so bad... especially when Mal kicks that guy into the engine intake for no apparent reason.
Some of the episodes were disappointingly smutty though... I guess that's what happens when one of the main characters is a "companion".
Siggy -
No actual Icepunks were harmed in the making of this post.
yeah...
"Some of the episodes were disappointingly smutty though..."
I did try to warn you...
--Alex Markley
If the definition of mass is an object's resistance to accelleration, and gravity is just a constant accelleration, shouldn't really massive objects just float?
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Well...
"It is a little disturbing how many voices you can manage to do, and how different they are"
Lol... I guess I just like to experiment with different voices. I always knew that if I wanted to do any voice acting, I'd need to have the most flexible voice I could possibly get.
I guess I always admired Mel Blanc as a child. His work on the Looney Tunes was pure genius, and I was always fascinated by the fact that the same guy could do practically all of the voices in a cartoon. (And even more markedly, that he could do it so well that you would never guess if you didn't already know.)
So maybe it was unconsious, but I've been striving for that ability for most of my life.
I guess I'm just a dork at heart.
--Alex Markley
If the definition of mass is an object's resistance to accelleration, and gravity is just a constant accelleration, shouldn't really massive objects just float?
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
WOOT! Firefly!
ooh Shiny. Ok that being said Greatest show ever. I love Firefly. Joss Wheden Really had something going. Darn FOX had to take it off the air and never give it a chance. *shakes fist in direction of FOX headquarters*
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Magic is more than something that you see. Magic is something you feel. It's like the feeling you get when you hear that certain song or see that one person...that's real magic.
Magic is more than something that you see. Magic is something you feel. It's like the feeling you get when you hear that certain song or see that one person...that's real magic.
Mel Blanc
Mel Blanc was awesome. I always thought he must have been a really cool guy.
I once heard on a documentary that his son said that he grew up with all the Looney Tune characters living with him. He said Bugs Bunny would wake him up in the mornings.
When Mel Blanc died a newspaper or something ran a picture of all the Looney Tunes character gathered 'round his grave mourning. And at the top of the picture was one word: "Speechless".
---------------
"It is an old maxim of mine that when you have excluded the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." - Sherlock Holmes in The Adventure of the Beryl Coronet
Romance is like gasoline vapors; get enough of it in the air and a single spark can cause it to explode in flames.
No, it can't be true!
What? I thought they just ran out of money.
It's so disheartening because the series just ends with "Objects in space", which isn't even the season finale.
Curse you FOX!
Siggy -
No actual Icepunks were harmed in the making of this post.
YAY!!!
I finally got my computer to download it!!!!! YAY!!! The new intro is awesome!!
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I have found that one of the hardest things, is walking when all you want to do is swim.
"I'm out of my sticky notepads of death!"- Inuyasha
Replies of doom
"What? I thought they just ran out of money."
Nah, FOX hated the show from the start. They never aired the pilot, and broadcast most of the other shows out of order. Heck, I think something like three of the episodes in the DVD set were never aired.
"I finally got my computer to download it!!!!! YAY!!! The new intro is awesome!!"
--Alex Markley
If the definition of mass is an object's resistance to accelleration, and gravity is just a constant accelleration, shouldn't really massive objects just float?
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
snufflefungus
"Um, the 90's called... they want their beeper back"
aaaaahhhh! that's quite possibly my favorite line in all the Malex Minutes so far! genius!
"...Though I may be forced to faint if my imagination gets the better of me."
-- Anne Shirley
I hope and pray that none may kill me,
Nor I kill any, with woundings grim,
But if ever any should think to kill me,
I pray Thee, God, let me kill him.
:-D
I'm glad you liked it.
--Alex Markley
If the definition of mass is an object's resistance to accelleration, and gravity is just a constant accelleration, shouldn't really massive objects just float?
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Yes, forget...
All I want in the world is to forget that old lady!
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No more compromise, no more room for lies.
No more giving in to a world of sin.
-"No More Compromise" by Rubicon 7
---------------
Fairy tales are more than true — not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us dragons can be beaten. - G. K. Chesterton
UMM Question?
I just relistened to this and I either missed a joke or someone over looked something. $2,000,000 going to SMALL CLAIMS COURT. Uh Malex how much do you have to make to think $2,000,000 in a small amount of cash?
_______________
Magic is more than something that you see. Magic is something you feel. It's like the feeling you get when you hear that certain song or see that one person...that's real magic.
Magic is more than something that you see. Magic is something you feel. It's like the feeling you get when you hear that certain song or see that one person...that's real magic.
lol...
The numbers in this story are quite exagerated, because it is supposed to be obviously fiction. No resemblance between characters in this fiction and third parties IRL is intended or implied...
--Alex Markley
If the definition of mass is an object's resistance to accelleration, and gravity is just a constant accelleration, shouldn't really massive objects just float?
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”