Malex:

It was pretty late by the time we arrived at the office. I set up a cot for Echofly in a corner while Icepunk put together a bill for the Kobb/GameSloob project.

“Hey,” I called to Echofly while scrawling a note to Mr. Kobb that would accompany his bill. “We’ll be in late tomorrow morning for work. If anybody shows up or calls, just take the message and tell them that we’ll get back with them as quickly as we can.”

I looked at the note and shook my head wearily. It said: “Mister Kobb. We successfully located the prototype game console and removed it from the possession of the thief. Unfortunately, we were forced to take some drastic action that resulted in the complete and utter destruction of said console. Your bill is enclosed. Please consult us if you have any further questions.”

On the way back to the apartment, we dropped the letter in the mailbox.

“There,” I said. “I hope that finds him in a good mood...”

Icepunk:

We return to the apartment more tired than anyone has a right to be tired. My brain is filled with a murky fog that impairs my motor functions and judgment. Once inside the dump we call home, I find Thubthub and Linus playing chess while the bunny makes spit bubbles. I wonder how Linus is moving his pieces, but the thought only lasts for a moment before I use my last bit of energy to plop on my bed and kick my shoes off.

Malex:

I walked in to discover that Linus had apparently learned the hamster language, and was playing a game of chess with Thubthub. While Icepunk staggered around behind me, I observed the game.

Thubthub, who was still pointing a gun at the incoherent bunny, was grinning from one huge ear to the other and was playing like a pro.

“Mate in eleven,” I noted aloud.

“Shut up,” Linus interjected cheerily.

Without warning, the walls of the apartment faded away, revealing a scorchingly bright sun overhead.

The objects that had been hanging on the walls fell with a thump.

Linus looked about for a moment. “I didn’t think the sun would be out this late at night.”

The bunny started roaring again.

Icepunk:

The bunny screams loudly, jolting me from my beauty sleep. I probably didn’t sleep very long, nonetheless, I seem to have a horrendous case of morning breath and a thirst that requires the bean nectar of coffee. I stagger into the kitchen groggily and pour some coffee into a mug. I gulp it all down and pour another, hardly noticing its strange lumps. I choke as a particularly large lump lodges in my throat. I gasp for air and pound my chest.

Once I’ve recovered, I realize some extremely odd things. Our apartment is gone, our stuff is still here, the sun is shining really brightly, and I’m ankle deep in sand.

My first thought is that a nuclear holocaust has occurred. My second is that the lumps in my coffee are sand, not sugar.

“Icepunk,” Malex says, “quit drinking coffee and choking to death. We’re having a conference. Linus might know why we’re here and where ‘here’ is.”

Malex:

“Well,” Linus continued, “it’s really simple. Considering the late hour, and the general position of the sun, I’d say we’re somewhere near Egypt.”

Icepunk began to scream and run about, throwing sand in every direction.

“Egypt?!” I yelled.

“Well I don’t know what you want!” Linus said. “We’re not in bloody Kansas anymore!”

I calmed down a bit and replied, “Okay, never mind. How the heck do you think we got here?”

“Oh, that was probably a Squid transportation device,” Linus said matter-of-factly.

At that point, the bunny began screaming again. “No! NO! I’LL NEVER GO BACK!” It then began to roll away down a sand dune.

Icepunk ran down the dune to retrieve the bunny while I went hysterical. “But WHY?!”

“Heck fire, I don’t know. I was working for the ‘Dumbbutts’ or whatever you called ’em.”

“Well,” I tried to convince myself, “if they brought us here, they must be around here somewhere.”

“Sure,” my laptop reassured me. “Unless they want you dead.”

Icepunk:

Since all of our food will get ruined by the sun, Malex, Thubthub, the bunny and I devour everything we can from the fridge. Then, fat and thirsty, we take what supplies we can and wander aimlessly, hoping we’ll find a nearby city. Or ice cream stand.

We trek across the desert: I drag the bunny by its ears, Malex carries Linus, who is cussing prolifically, and Thubthub brings up the rear with his gun.

“So thirsty...” I rasp, speaking for all of us.

Malex stops and looks confused. “We’ve been going in circles.”

“How can you tell? It all looks the same to me,” I replied.

“Because all of our stuff is right there.”

“Oh.” He’s right. All of our stuff is right where we left it.

A pair of Squids is sitting in what used to be our living room.

“Glad you’re back,” one of the Squids says from our couch, sipping an ice cold beverage in a glass. “Bit warm today, isn’t it?”

Malex:

“You know,” said MuffinsAreYummy, one of the squids from the ‘Cow Complex’, “you could have simply walked up to the ship.” It pointed at... nothing.

I looked around. “What ship?” I finally asked.

“Oh. Sorry.” It pulled its sunglasses down and peered over them in the general direction it had pointed. “I forgot that you earth creatures can’t see energy in that wavelength.”

“Say,” I asked, suddenly curious, “how did you get away from the ‘Cow Complex’?”

“The same way you did, foolish human,” MuffinsAreYummy said. “We ran. At least, as best as we could without legs...”

Icepunk dragged the bunny, kicking and screaming, up to the Squid. “Is this yours?” he asked.

“Ah yes. It was a most unfortunate oversight that allowed him to escape,” MuffinsAreYummy said despondently. “Worry not, the Squid responsible will be stabbed in the eye.”

“Why did you buy the stupid thing from us?” I asked.

“Well,” Shinycheeks replied, “it’s an agent of the Dumbbutt’s ‘CIA’. We bought it from you to question it. Interestingly enough, by the time we got it, it was quite handicapped, mentally speaking.”

Shinycheeks turned to Icepunk and said, “I gather you kicked it in its nether regions rather violently. Its brain was quite damaged.”

“Oh yeah!” Icepunk exclaimed. “Dumbbutts’ brains are in their butts! Duh!”

“Crudely worded, but true,” MuffinsAreYummy, who was apparently the leader, said.

Shinycheeks continued, “We had to rebuild its brain most dramatically to get at what little information was left. Unfortunately, in the process, his rabbit suit apparently bonded with his flesh. It won’t come off.”

“Uh,” I interjected, “doesn’t that only happen in stupid comic books?”

Shinycheeks coughed delicately. “And ridiculous parallel realities, yes.”

“Okay, so what relation does the Dumbbutt ‘CIA’ have to our central intelligence agency?” I asked.

“None whatsoever,” MuffinsAreYummy said. “They’ve chosen to call their agency the ‘Coalition Of Aliens’ for reasons that escape the most brilliant among us.”

Icepunk stepped in, “But that acronym makes no sense. There’s no ‘I’ in ‘Of’. And, why are they calling themselves ‘Aliens’?”

“They pride themselves on being fighters, not thinkers,” Shinycheeks explained.

“Ha!” Icepunk kicked the bunny once again. “You can’t think! Woo!”

I rolled my eyes.

“Laugh while you can, monkey boy!” the bunny screamed as it writhed in the sand, “Soon your planet will be reduced to flying deposits of minerals with a light glaze of human remains!”

I blinked a couple of times and looked at the Squids inquisitively.

“Ah yes,” MuffinsAreYummy said with a sigh. “We neglected to mention it before, but the Dumbbutts have taken your actions against them as an excuse to rend your planet and scorch it dry. Good day.” MuffinsAreYummy turned to go, dragging the screaming bunny with him.

“Would you like the rest of your belongings sent back to your apartment with you?” Shinycheeks asked politely.