Anxiety attacks so funny they make anxiety go away
So, I no longer work at the chiropracter's office, but whilst I was still under his employ, I had an unusual anxiety attack (if it can actually be called and "attack").
It was Tuesday night, and I went to bed at about midnight. I had to get up around 6:30 for work, and I set my alarm clock, then I set my cell phone to go off a few minuted later, just in case.
I woke up, and I looked at my alarm clock, and I became furious because it hadn't gone off. I was so angry, I had to restrain myself from throwing my clothes around the room and stomping around while I was getting ready, because everyone else was still asleep. I got dressed, grabbed my cell phone so I could watch the time, went into the bathroom, brushed my teeth, put on my makeup, and was pleasantly surprised that my hair was in a halfway decent state, and didn't require a lot of work.
I went downstairs as quietly as possible and got a Frappucino (mocha, of course) from the fridge, stuck a pack of nutty bars in my purse, muttered threats at the cats who were under-foot, pulled on my coat and was walking out the door when I realized something. I'm still not sure what I realized. I had looked at every clock in the house, including my cell phone several times, and nothing really struck me as unusual, except that the cats were all looking at me sort of funny.
I looked at the clock on the alarm keypad by the door, and I thought, well that can't be right, and I looked at my cell phone clock again, and I haven't come that close to swearing like a sailor in many years. I was absolutey furious, even more so than when I thought my alarm had failed because I finally realized that my alarm hadn't failed to go off at 6:30. In fact, I owed my alarm clock a profound apology. It wasn't the clock which had failed. It was me. I had been late on Monday morning, and so my body must have been attempting to compensate for my bad timing.
I think it overcompensated a little, for it was when I was standing in the hallway, fully prepared to go out the door, that I realized that it was only...
2:00 in the FREAKING MORNING!!!
No wonder my hair hadn't been too bad! I hadn't been asleep long enough to mess it up! I went back to bed, and once again had to restrain myself from violently scattering clothes and cats in my room. I was, in fact, so very angry that I couldn't fall back to sleep. It was very nearly 3am when I finally fell asleep again, and I made the mistake of thinking that it couldn't possibly get worse.
It did. I woke up at 4:30, and I stared at my clock for a good 5 minutes, trying to determine if it had gone off, or if I was imagining things. I'm sure it took me the bulk of the 5 minutes just to determine if I was reading the clock correctly. I must have finally satisfied myself that it really did say 4:30 and not 6:30, and I must have then gone back to sleep, because the next thing I knew, my alarm was going off.
I didn't trust it. I again spent a good portion of time staring at the clock before pulling on the earlier discarded (and by then quite rumpled) clothes, going into the bathroom and brushing my teeth. I didn't redo my makeup because I had been to upset to take it off the first time. I was still treading carefully, and didn't completely believe what was happening untl my cell phone alarm went off as well. By then I was pretty sure I was awake.
After this incident, I wasted no time in getting back my old job at the bookstore and turning in my 2 weeks notice at the chiropracter's office. Thankfully, they didn't ask me to stay for the two weeks, and I get to start full time on a far less stressful and much more enjoyable job tomorrow.
On a more positive, but just as amusing note, Agent Frost and I have recently discovered that the MMN is trying to take over the internet, and Google is the forerunner in the defense of the WWW!
For those of you who hate it when I use acronyms (Quartz);
MMN = Malex Media Network
WWW = World Wide Web
I'll let Agent Frost explain a little more about MMN's nefarious plot to rule the internet and Google's heroic but pointless efforts to thwart Malex.
TTYL = Talk To You Later
Phoenyx
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Comments
Lol...
I hesitate to laugh, given the fact that the whole work situation really wasn't funny... But hopping out of bed and getting ready to go to work at 1:30 in the morning?
I've had one or two major mental malfunctions of my own, but, well... Let's just say you're in a class of your own, Ash.
Let's just thank God you've got a non-horrible job now...
ttyl
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Ah!
"For those of you who hate it when I use acronyms (Quartz);" - "MMN = Malex Media Network" - "WWW = World Wide Web ... TTYL = Talk To You Later" -Phoenyx
*lol* How kind! Unfortunately, all three of those happen to be ones I already know.
And strictly speaking, I don't hate it when you use acronyms--I just can't understand you when you use an excessive number of ones I'm not familiar with.
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
_Yes_...
Let's also thank God that you noticed that something was wrong before walking out the door and driving to work!
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Reset Yourself
Getting up at one thirty for work? Imagining the Malex is hatching a nefarious plot to take over the internet? Finding Google pointless?
I think it is past time for the Phoenyx to flame and burn, reduce herself to ash and be reborn.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
normally
I would take it under advisement, but as Agent Frost is present, I ask you to refrain from putting ideas in her head.
Last time, she used a blowtorch...
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Hehe
Somehow, I just got a flash of an image of Agent Frost leaping down from a concealed ledge, flipping head over paws, and gracefully landing with her blowtorch at the ready.
Then, with a narrowing of the eyes and an ominous hiss, the burning begins.
So, you know, badness.
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Somehow...
I imagine she would bite before the burning.
---------------
"That's hardly enough," he said, anxiously. "You see the wind is so very strong here. It's as strong as soup." - Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll
You know how to raspberry, don't you Steve? You just put your tongue out and blow.
*evil laughter*
She only thought it was a blowtorch...
I have been studying the biting methods of mosquitoes, and have developed a special numbing agent which renders the one being bitten incapable of feeling the bite...
I am a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
Quick like a cat!
But...
Isn't the pain the whole point?
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Malex...
Are you questioning my methods?
I am a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
Quick like a cat!
Seriously
Pain purifies.
--
If a cannibal ate a clown, would he taste funny?
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
Agent Frost...
Yes, I do believe that Malex is questioning the sanity of your actions.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not
draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
Umm
Yes, actually.
Is that okay?
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
So now my sanity is in question?
I challenge you to a duel!
Wait, sorry, wrong century.
I challenge you to a shedding contest! Beat that, you smooth-skinned monkey!
I mean monkey in a purely non-evolutionary way, non-insulting way, of course.
I am a cypher, wrapped in an enigma, smothered in secret sauce.
Quick like a cat!
Sanity Questioned
The Malex knows better than to question the sanity of an act, and act has no sanity or in-sanity...the malex might question the sanity of Agent Frost, as have we all.
BTW (that's 'by the way' for the Quartz) are you mocking the way the gnome speaks? The gnome does not like being mocked...the gnome is an original and is copywrited, copywritten, copywrote...it's all mine
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Oh?
A shedding contest, eh?
Well I'll only participate if the winner is the one that doesn't shed, 'cause there's almost nothing more annoying than cat hair all over my clothes...
Actually, no, there are more annoying things, but I won't go into that - else I might offend some people...
<_< ... >_>
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
AAAAAAUGH!!!!
"BTW (that's 'by the way' for the Quartz) ..." -gnome
I-... Nngh! Gaaagh! No! I'm-... BECOMING ONE OF YOU!!!!
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
...Really?
"Beat that, you smooth-skinned monkey! I mean monkey in a purely non-evolutionary way, non-insulting way, of course." -Agent Frost
Non Evolutionist, of course, but non-insulting? Then how did you mean it?
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Poor Phoenyx
That's one impressive anxiety attack. Only people of college-age are capable of this particularly edgy percentage of a break from reality. I mean, you didn't dream that the President of Hulaland had called and you needed to hurry. No, it was a real situation and your response would have been rational if it had not been the middle of the night!
I hope this doesn't keep happening. But if it does...better to you than to me!
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
Shredding contest! :D
I'll win! See? (scissors) >B ....snip....snip....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not
draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
No, I'll win!
See? (Paper shredder -->) [---] Whiiir!
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Poor Quartz
Quartz, you are either born gnome or you are not, there is no 'become'. The gnome does commend you on such a lofty goal.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
*Sarcasm*
Thanks for the sympathy...
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Awww....man....
See? (Paper shredder -->
[---] Whiiir! 
-Quartz
Ok, ok. You win...
WAIT! I HAVE MORE PAPER SHREDDERS THAN YOU! MWAHAHAHAHA!
Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir! Whiiir!
[---] [---] [---] [---] [---] [---] [---] [---] [---] [---] [---]
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not
draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
-_-
I really have been praying for your job situation... Lightheartedness online or no, I have been taking the whole thing very seriously.
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
...
Yours don't work. They're missing the bottoms.
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Technicle Difficulties.
How do you do the bottoms?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles Schulz
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
Seriously
The gnome takes the hole thing seriously also...most of them are larger than the gnome and it's difficult to get back out.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
But wait
most of them are larger than the gnome and it's difficult to get back out.
Can't you just burrow your way out?
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
Quite impossible.
Burrowing goes down.
---------------
"That's hardly enough," he said, anxiously. "You see the wind is so very strong here. It's as strong as soup." - Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll
You know how to raspberry, don't you Steve? You just put your tongue out and blow.
Fool
You've obviously forgotten that the Earth is round.
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
But wait...
Can't you burrow down a little, then out a little, then up a little and out of the hole?
I mean, groundhogs burrow and I've seen them outside their holes.
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
Digging
Gnomes do not burrow...down, out, up or otherwise...this is why we avoid holes.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Say,
I thought you were subterrainean creatures? Oh well.
--
If a cannibal ate a clown, would he taste funny?
--
"Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?"
"Yes! 5.1 Pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes!"
Type
We do not live in holes! We live in subterranean homes... the gnome sees your game, j, and will tell you no more of our dwellings...
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
But...
Then why do all gnomes carry digging utensils, such as, picks, shovels, etc...
Or does the Gnome on this website fight the urge to just fling around stuff for digging?
Just wondering.....
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles Schulz
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
Gnome....
I would be quite honored indeed to hear a description of you. I know the common description of regular garden gnome, but I would naturally assume that you being THE Gnome would be
unique. So a full description would be deeply appreciated.
(for a special gift)
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles Schulz
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
Why, oh Why
Gnomes carry digging utensils in the event we run across some truffles in our travels...it would be undignified to dig with our hands.
The gnome regrets that it cannot give Leela a description full or otherwise...it's against the gnome's personal code. As long as the gnome remains anonymous, it is free to travel about at will and not be pursued by paparazzi.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
lolshih!
that's "laughing out loud so hard it hurts"
Paparazzi! hahaha!!!
Gnome, that is truly hilarious, and I so rarely find hilarity in anything. This is truly refreshing!
Unless of course you actually think that the paparazzi would follow you if they could. Oh, Gnome, if you actually think that...
Gnome, I hate to burst your big-giant-ego bubble, but the paparazzi only follows someone for one reason; scandal.
You, my diminuitive rival, are most thankfully not scandelous enough for the paparazzi to bother with.
Quick like a cat!
Quick like a cat!
sheesh
What higher praise than to be found scandal-free! Thank you furry varmit for such a high opinion of the gnome. The source leaves the validity of the statement in question... dimin..this from a creature who is more fur than substance.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
hey!
FUR IS SUBSTANTIAL!!!
Quick like a cat!
Quick like a cat!
ever try...
have you ever tried getting a piece of fur as thin and fine as mine out of your eye? Next to impossible! you can't see it, and you can't cry it out, but it's there and it irratates and bothers until you'd rather just take out the whole eye!
How's that for substance, and practicality in torture, I might add.
Quick like a cat!
Quick like a cat!
Frosty!~
Bad Kitty! You know, Quartz would be so disappointed in you. He used to think you were such a sweet little kitten, you know.
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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
Yeah...
Besides, how much bigger can a kitten be than a gnome anyway?
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Ahhh...
Then I will just have to assume that you look just like the ordinary garden gnome!
Ps: I know that you most likely don't look like the average garden gnome!
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
If you do not say anything in a cartoon you might as well not draw it at all. Humor that does not say anything is worthless humor. So I contend that a cartoonist must be given a chance to do his own preaching. -Charles Schulz
♥♫♪◉☼
Would you rather raise an army, or go out on your own?
Hair raising
The water the frost has been drinking the past few days contains depilatories...
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
thief!
I wondered where my stuff went to! Sacrificed to a psychotic cat, of all things! I expect to be reimbursed...
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
Do you realize that if it weren't for Edison, we'd be watching TV by candlelight?
Poor Frost!
Besides, will drinking Nair work? And if you snort it, will it get rid of unwanted nose hairs?
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
tee, hee, hee
The gnome has access to far more sophisticated chemicals than nair...the sangming is having nose hair trouble? Personal or other? The gnome has friends who looked like party favors when they sneezed...hence the sophisticated chemicals. Just trying to tidy up the gnomes little corner of the world...
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Oh my gosh!!
friends who looked like party favors when they sneezed
I'm still laughing and tearing up now. That's one of the funniest things I think I've ever heard, and I can promise this phrase will show up in my repertoire.
My dear gnome, I have no nose hair problems, I can assure you. If you look closely at my avatar, you'll see I have no nose! But I do remember a girl I once knew who, because of teasing from a boyfriend, decided to try Nair on her mustache hairs. I don't think the scars were permanent, but she did resign herself to a certain amount of facial hair. And her relationship with the boyfriend never quite recovered.
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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
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I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
tweezer alternative
It is unfortunate the gnome was not around to help your friend, tweezers do a good job and the boyfriend might have looked nice with some shapely eyebrows...insensitive clod!
How does the sangming breathe with no nose
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Splicky breathing apparatus
How does the sangming breathe with no nose
Well, it's all very technical. Quartz would have to explain it. But I believe we all breathe through our eyes.
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
Mmm...
No, that was an unscientific theory disproven many years ago. In fact, splickies with no visible nose or mouth have very specialized pores in their skin where their mouth/nose should be, serving basically all the same functions as the opening to a mouth/nose. There are even the same sorts of oral/sinus cavities behind them.
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Of course
Yes, of course. I guess I remember that from health class, sweetie.
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
So what about eating!?!?
Can they only eat, like, pudding? They slap it onto their face and it mysteriously vanishes with a sluuuurp?
---------------
Heaven:
Where Summer's sun never makes you sweat, and Winter never gets cold.
Where Autumn's leaves aren't really dead, and Spring never grows old.
You know how to raspberry, don't you Steve? You just put your tongue out and blow.
No,...
Their teeth are actually sharp enough, their skin tough enough, and the pores big enough, that they can actually chew the food down small enough to fit through the pores as they push it in. It's difficult to explain, but they can actually eat tougher things than most humans.
-------
Nothing worthwhile in life does not also possess a form worthy of Heaven.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
But really...
they can actually eat tougher things than most humans.
That's not really such a big deal. Most humans aren't all that tough. But I do hear from J that the clowns taste kind of funny.
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
---------------
I get up, I walk, I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing. - Hillel
...
*lol* Right, I meant "... than most humans can."
-------
Loving a neighbor is not the twee, ignorant emotion today's world has illustrated it as, but simply the understanding, acknowledgement, and active respect of the beautiful person God intended them to be and has given them the chance to be.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Interesting
The gnome finds the spliky inventions fascinating...and the mind of the quartz to be twisted and turning to depths previously thought only to be found in the furthest reaches of the oceans...the quartz shall be further investigated...
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
Believe me, Gnome...
No matter how far you investigate, you will never find the bottom.
---------------
Heaven:
Where Summer's sun never makes you sweat, and Winter never gets cold.
Where Autumn's leaves aren't really dead, and Spring never grows old.
You know how to raspberry, don't you Steve? You just put your tongue out and blow.
location, location, location
'you will never find the bottom' Aisling
general anatomy says that should be located...oh, the aisling meant the bottom of the quartz' mind...gotcha.
Name a shrub after me...something prickly and hard to eradicate.
what a lol day
'you will never find the bottom' Aisling
general anatomy says that should be located - gnome
oh my gosh, that's the funniest thing i've heard in a while... except for today, because at school, at lunch break an 8th grader had come in talking angrily about someone from her class who had been a jerk and stuck her shoe down his pants.
"I can't believe him, his **** was in my shoe!!!"
and guess what? she said that part without noticing she was next to a teacher.
the teacher looked at her for a while and then said "why don't you go back to your class?"
---------------
I thought i was lucid dreaming once, but it turned out i was awake.
---------------
I need a siggy...
Oh wait.
...
Sorry, that just doesn't sound very funny to me. I don't want to sound like a high-and-mighty judge, but that whole incident, as far as you have described, was entirely innapropriate. Please also understnad that I'm not condemning you, wii_all_the_way, but you won't get me to laugh with you on it, or even associate myself with it, for very specific reasons.
-------
Loving a neighbor is not the twee, ignorant emotion today's world has illustrated it as, but simply the understanding, acknowledgement, and active respect of the beautiful person God intended them to be and has given them the chance to be.
God is leading me along a trail of miracles.
Hehe...
"why don't you go back to your class?"
lol...
--Alex Markley
Why on Earth do we refer to the character ‘W’ as “Double-U” when it is clearly a “Double-V”? Seriously, people...
Alex Markley
“Objects in mirror seem closer than they appear.”
Yes...