Welcome to the Jay Lemur show! Today in our studio, we have a special guest: Icepunk!

Jay: So Ice, you've been AFK for awhile, reportedly working as a mercenary in the middle east. Can you tell us anything about that?

Ice: Well, Jay, I really can't talk about what I've been doing. I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you. And the studio audience. And anyone who watches this show on TV.

Jay: Hahaha!

Ice: I'm not kidding.

Jay: Right, well... moving on...

Ice: Better sleep with the lights on tonight, Jay.

Jay: I do that anyway... come on, brain, think of words... um...

I have brought my unique brand of chaos back to the United States for the next 30 days.

I'm sure you're all thrilled to have me back. If not, you can leave a message for me by jumping into the nearest sarlacc pit with a thermal detonator in your mouth and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

The CIA,FBI, and NSA has informed me that they have been notified of my epic return and that the U.S.

Hey. I'm back in the states visiting for a few days to take a break from my insane schedule as an MP.

Wow. So much has happened in the past year that I don't even know where to begin.

Well, it's been a long week, but the weekend is finally here!

PT was brutal this morning. I'm definitely going to be sore for a couple of days.

I met this girl Lindsay and we've been hanging out lately. Tommorrow we're taking the strassebahn down to Heidelburg. She's really cool and she's become one of my closest friends because other than Adkins I don't really know anybody here.

I've moved into an apartment on a tiny military base 10 minutes away from downtown Mannheim!

I had a great weekend, me and my buddy Adkins walked around the entire downtown Mannheim area and went to a couple of outdoor rock concerts. We also found an underground discotheque where they play techno.

Yesterday we met a couple of really cute German girls who asked us where we were from and if we had girlfriends (!!!). We said no and that we weren't looking for any (because they were 17 and we're both 19).

Hey guys Im in an internet cafe in Germany trying to type on a jacked up German keyboard.

Ive been assigned to an MP company on a really tiny base here. My company is so small that they cant even deploy us until we get more ppl - theres 7 guys in my entire platoon right now! Which means I'll get promoted really quickly.

Germany is pretty cool. I have the weekend off so me and my battle buddy Adkins - a guy i went to basic and academy with - are walking around this huge city here. Its like being on vacation down here... how many ppl get to see stuff like this?

More later. Peace out.

- Faceplanting off the cattle truck - right at my Drill Sergeant's feet.

- The first words I heard when I got off the cattle truck at my company barracks: "Welcome to 'The Rock'."

- "Shark Attack" - getting smoked within the first .00004 seconds of arriving at basic training.

- Running the bayonet course with my battle buddy Fiasco and almost gouging my eye out.

- The gas chamber. Nuff said.

- M16 Qualification day - Drill Sergeant Busick pinning a Sharpshooter medal on my body armor and saying "Good job."

I'm back!

I graduated on Thursday from the U.S. Army Military Police Academy, and now I'm back in Ohio working for my recruiter. I had a lot of fun with MP training, and I miss my platoon terribly, but I'm really glad to be back home. I'll be posting some photos of me with guns and humvees and stuff very soon.

The president is withdrawing all troops from Iraq and Afghanistan and is sending a WID (Weapon of Icepunk Destruction) to neutralize the terrorist threat.

Massive casualties are expected.

Well, another week of learning how to kill people and break things has passed, and there's only 3 weeks left until graduation! I'm so looking forward to going home.